Tous les matins du monde

Here we have some interesting information about the composer in question, background on the film, and so on.

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El reposo caliente aún de ser

These comments would have applied to Reeducation:

“situation too large and acute for you to handle alone” (Reeducation arrasait tout)

“you can’t spend all your energy on this” (Reeducation demanded all energy)

“you don’t want the situation to spiral” (Reeducation pushed to downward spiral)

And then there is this post, on reassurance, which I like. I have also realized through some sort of waking vision that part of my anxiety about starting work is that I think of it as walking into a room full of gesticulating and rather pedantic drunkards, and having the door locked behind me. I do not want to go in there, much less be locked in.

I also realized by watching a well done Swedish detective show where the victim turned out to have been murdered by her abusive boyfriend that saying I have reactions corresponding to those of a trauma victim is inadequate — it is true enough but abuse victim reactions is more accurate still.

Realizing this and being kind to those reactions helps me to keep them from overtaking me, and to move further ahead. And I react poorly to advice about efficiency because it is what is offered, but is not what I need.  And I disagree more and more with this post, although the post to which it refers seems refreshing. I also wonder why it is writing that is considered so difficult … what if the hardest thing for you is something else?

In any case the most important things for me are allowing myself to slow down, not thinking I must speed up; taking concrete steps to protect myself from the atmosphere of fear; and allowing myself to consider that the competent, not the terminally cowed, version of myself is the realest one, and is the place I can speak from now.

I wanted to change fields so as to get into one where I could be a person and say things. Is it so terribly disloyal to one’s first field to choose another, if it turns out you cannot speak in the first? Does it mean one was not interested in the first? If one is not willing to sacrifice everything, does it mean one lacked sufficient interest? I do not think so.

#OccupyHE

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La vie et la jeunesse

I am still thinking about this, and then there is this. Both lead to the ideas posts I have been thinking about writing, one on the dismantling of depression (which I claim is actually oppression) and another on the question of terror.

I seem to resemble Samizdat in lots of ways but one important difference is that he is as I was before becoming terrorized. His method for writing does not include instructions for battling terror. He also appears to be comfortable in his physical space. I am not, which is one problem, but the greater one is handling the terror. I did not always have either difficulty and as I say, I resembled Samizdat.

Do I suffer terror because I fear being seen as a high achiever? Did I begin to fear this after suffering devastating consequences because of being perceived as one? At the same time I fear the results of not being a high achiever, so I struggle against two terrors, from two directions, and thus inhabit only a narrow psychological space.

I am impatient with writing advice because what I actually seek is counter-terror advice. This advice is related to, or resembles the anti-[--]pression advice, a version of which we have from the Princess.

#OccupyHE

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The last sentence

Mr. Troell, who is about to turn 83, has vivid personal memories of the war years.

See it.

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Some gossip about Vallejo

He had an affair with the woman living across the street from his family in Stgo. de Chuco, who was the former “wife” of a priest. Poems like “Verano” are about her. He lost her to Carlos Santa María … all of this was in 1915 but I wonder whether it contributes to the events of 1923 (Stephen Hart thinks so).

Do you think, by the way, that the Catholic disapproval of sex is based on the activities priests actually get up to — women they have promised not to have, young boys, and so on?

He felt guilty about his parentage, as a descendant of priests.

The “golpes en la vida” are the rape or attempted rape of Ma. Agueda in Stgo. de Chuco, in 1917, by (I think) an associate of the Santa María family.

Hart is using Silva-Santisteban’s edition of Vallejo.

It is really wonderful to be able to read with attention, no to have to struggle to work.

Espejo Asturrizaga is veiling the truth throughout his biography, and this is why it is so tedious (to me) to read.

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Dulce hogar sin estilo

Pour votre considération: scholar, scientist, researcher, what do these terms imply?

(In other news I would like to say that Vallejo’s French was execrable. Execrable. How he did not get better than that in 15 years is hard to understand.)

A fascinating fact about him, however, is that he dropped the fall, 1931 writers’ conference tour of the USSR halfway through. It was his third voyage to this paradise and he was apparently starting to see through the regime.

#OccupyHE

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Extrinsic and intrinsic

I was happy today because work was going well. I have been impaired for so long I barely know what this is like. It is another planet.

In the meantime I was meditating on this post and thread. I could repeat various points. If desire were enough, it would also be true that hard work was enough to make you rich. Yes, people do in fact need information and ideas on how to do things. Some strains of academic advice are pointless or miss the point (my original interest in the post, and in the post it discusses).

But I am primarily interested in the question of “extrinsic” and “intrinsic” reasons for doing things. Should one do things for some form of gain, or do them for themselves in a very pure way? Where does the border between intrinsic and extrinsic lie? Are we not all actually located in their overlapping? I am as committed to field as anyone, although perhaps differently so.

I really am research first. I want, and always wanted research and writing in a town with libraries, archives and cultural life, and a harrassment-free workplace. I would change fields to get this. That scandalizes people since it means the field, the specific discovery, is not the “instrinsic” reward I seek–it is the activity itself, the atmosphere, I want. Am I more “extrinsically” motivated, then, than is meet?

(Yes — because these motivations do not fit the US academic model, they fit the think-tank or journalistic or other models. At the same time, I would never have understood all of these things had I happened to always work at a place like USP. Then I would think I was suited to academia in a seamless way.)

(I am efficient and if anything too fast; I am research first; I have administrative talent and do not oppose “service.” This is why all the coaxing to work daily and more quickly, and put research higher on the agenda that many seem to need are destructive, not helpful for me. It is not that I am anti-teaching, I am good at it, find it interesting, and believe it should be done well, but one thing I do NOT need is to be reminded that teaching is only one par of the job. Also notice how I do not say I MUST have a teaching job–I say I MUST have a research job. This seems to be a great difference between me and most academics.)

HEART OF POST: I do notice, though, that when I have gotten stuck on things the issue is always that, for “extrinsic” reasons, I am trying to make an argument I do not really support (utter lack of “intrinsic” reason), or I am trying to rush something along (insufficient emphasis on intrinsic reason). I notice further that while my actual motivations are almost entirely intrinsic, my training is to ignore these reasons almost entirely and focus on the extrinsic — one is working to survive.

(Although I have also always said that if survival is the only reason to do things, then we can just work in a bank. This observation is considered scandalous by many academics. I think it is considered scandalous because their actual attitude is closer to that of a bank worker than they want to admit.)

Intrinsic: as Amálio and I said back then, we got into this to have fun. Or is that extrinsic? Fun involves learning words, saying things, and drawing pictures, I said when very young. Later I said it was seeing research happen, considering its meaning, doing some of one’s own, making hypotheses, combing through documents, contemplating fascinating statements, having odd adventures while finding the places where the documents lay, and writing prose. Are these extrinsic or intrinsic motivations and if the result is not that one gets to continue, or the cost is too high in some way, did one lack “intrinsic” motivation in the first place? No, and that is why I think we are all located in the overlap.

So intrinsic to me does not mean that one expects no “reward.” It does mean that one must not relinquish integrity or voice. Those are the basic elements, without which all organization falls apart and all strategies and methods of work management fail.

#OccupyHE

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