Scenes of crimes

These people, too, wanted to get away from them, and so did I. One wants to see oneself unmarked, belong to oneself, inhabit oneself.

I see where my unquiet comes from. Rushing about like a rabbit, looking for cover. If I arrange things such to have pleasant days with ego in them, then I can think clearly. It is magic. It is simple, but it became hard to do for a long time.

Mantener la calma y desenredar texto, as it is said.

Axé.

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Sabás

Yo vi a Sabás, el negro sin veneno,
pedir su pan de puerta en puerta.
¿Por qué, Sabás, la mano abierta?
(Este Sabás es un negro bueno.)
Aunque te den el pan, el pan es poco,
y menos ese pan de puerta en puerta.
¿Por qué, Sabás, la mano abierta?
(Este Sabás es un negro loco.)
Yo vi a Sabás, el negro hirsuto,
pedir por Dios para su muerta.
¿Por qué, Sabás, la mano abierta?
(Este Sabás es un negro bruto.)
Coge tu pan, pero no lo pidas;
coge tu luz, coge tu esperanza cierta
como a un caballo por las bridas.
Plántate en medio de la puerta,
pero no con la mano abierta,
ni con tu cordura de loco:
aunque te den el pan, el pan es poco,
y menos ese pan de puerta en puerta.
¡Caramba, Sabás, que no se diga!
¡Sujétate los pantalones,
y mira a ver si te las compones
para educarte la barriga!
La muerte, a veces, es buena amiga,
y el no comer, cuando es preciso
para comer, el pan sumiso,
tiene belleza. El cielo abriga.
El sol calienta. Es blando el piso
del portal. Espera un poco,
afirma el paso irresoluto
y afloja más el freno…
¡Caramba, Sabás, no seas tan loco!
¡Sabás, no seas tan bruto,
ni tan bueno!

–Nicolás Guillén, from West Indies, Ltd. (1934)

Axé.

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Le ménu

I had not actually shopped, but came up with this:

Red beans and rice with tasso
Keta salmon sautéed in olive oil
Purple and red potato salad vinaigrette with Creole mustard
White potato salad in mayonnaise and yoghurt with celery and eggs
Smothered cabbage
Green beans
Corn bread
Lemonade from our trees

That is a lot to make but you can do it easily if you are relaxed. The red beans came out well, which they often do not for me. It is a question of using more water than I imagine I will need, and cooking them very slowly. The other secret is that they need fat and salt — more than you really want to know. Some of this comes from olive oil, and some from meat.

All of this was made in cast iron and served in earthenware that I had made over the years.

Axé.

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Une des versions originelles et plus simples (de la méditation de cette semaine)

I am easily understood if one understands the reactions of abuse victims. Otherwise everything seems complicated and circular and incomprehensible and exhausting. I fear doing anything on my own behalf because I fear the destruction that will be visited upon me if I do. Acting on my own behalf means flinging myself into an irrational space where I will be powerless to escape permanent mutilation.

I need to think about the meaning of that sentence, how to counter it — because really, acting on my own behalf means entering a rational space, even the only rational space.

What immobilized me was the combination of recriminations for being research oriented, the “boundary” violations, the internalization of these recriminations, the rage at the boundary violations which I turned against myself, and the conversion of what had always been positive spaces into scenes of torture.

That was the combination of elements. But I find that abandoning self and abandoning my research projects meant that I had nothing with which to defend against those “boundary” violations, those recriminations.

They always say you have to feel better first but I think the path to that is to take self and project back. Those things, not “discipline” and “boundaries” — which come of themselves. I mean: it is because I had abandoned myself that I let crows eat the carcass.

Condensing: those research projects are mine and are my friends and will help protect me against invasive people. No: the deeper idea is that my life is mine. It always seemed to be someone else’s.

Axé.

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Encore une méditation

Destruction came from the combination of: recriminations for being research oriented, multiple “boundary” violations, the internalization of these recriminations, the rage at the boundary violations which I turned against myself, and ultimately, the conversion of what had always been positive spaces into scenes of torture. That was the combination of elements.

Condensing: boundary violations, authorities in terrible pain who must be satisfied, the conversion of positive spaces into scenes of torture. All of my problems are problems of abuse victims and this is what I cannot find a practitioner who understands — which is why I have readings and this weblog.

But I find that abandoning self and abandoning my research project — things I did as a result of Reeducation — meant that I had nothing with which to defend against those “boundary” violations, those recriminations.

They always say you have to feel better first but I think the path to that is to take self and project back. Those things, not “discipline” and “boundaries” — which are form but not content.

I mean: it is because I had abandoned myself that I let crows eat the carcass. It is not, as they say, that I “need better boundaries” or “need to stand up for myself.” It is that I renounced the things I wanted to do, and committed to things I no longer did. When I had also renounced the person who could do those things.

Condensing: it really is the person who must come back. In the meantime it is the friendliness of my research projects, and my knowledge that they are mine, which can protect me from invasive people. Again, all of this is about recovery of self.

Axé.

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Blind Willie McTell

Axé.

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Rusia en 1931

I am looking for Hass’ poem on it.

“Poetry proposes no solutions: it says justice is the well water of the city of Novgorod, black and sweet.”

Axé.

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