A friend informs me that I am in utter rebellion against superficiality. It is interesting that she puts it that way; I would have only said I did not like superficiality. But it appears I am in utter rebellion against it.
Reeducation said I was unfeeling but, I now discern, only meant I was not suffering. Reeducation taught suffering as a virtue and the repression of feeling as “maturity.” It said I was an “intellectual snob” but in reality it, not I, was the snob. And I have been conflicted since. Reeducation wanted us to renounce thought in favor of feeling, as one could not have both and heart was better than head, but my latest understanding is it actually wanted us to renounce both in favor of suffering and resignation.
That meant one had to renounce oneself – renounce authenticity – and I am still trying to claim genuineness back. I have always been sincere “to a fault” but it has also always seemed to me that the solution is to become yet more, not less genuine, even if less naïve. Dealing with what is not genuine and having to pretend it is, is one of the hardest things in life for me.
I told Reeducation that given all I had at my disposal it was easy to make each day good, but Reeducation said that was “denial.” There was a family past for which I must atone. But I was right. After trying on Reeducation it is hard to remember that I was right in the first place. But I was, and I am insisting upon it.
And it is the weekend, so we will sing. This is Vicente Amigo in a passionate song.