Post Out of Place

This post is not going up in order, because as soon as I write it I am going to press “publish.” So chronologically it follows three posts that are still coming up and which were in fact written before it. However I am putting it up now to announce now an important and irrevocable policy change.

I will never again to enter into a power struggle over my being with a person who appears to want a hand up, but actually wants to take my hand so they can pull me down into the swamp. There are mentalities it is hard for me to see because I would never even imagine them to exist. Yet they do exist and the next time I perceive one I will not doubt what I have seen. I will turn and run instantly, as opposed to wait for final confirmation of someone’s commitment to Xibalba.

POLICY CHANGE

I will no longer be especially nice to people who have been abuse victims, and tolerate poor behavior from them that I would not tolerate in anyone else. Too often they are themselves abusive. They mistake patience for a license to operate. My constant error is to think people want positive influences. I was myself so grateful when I began to meet people who modeled a different world and said one did not have to think as I had been taught to do. It is hard for me to imagine that others would not react in the same way but they do not. It is my error to want them to and not to see that they do not. Thence my policy change. This decision is final.

ON TOLERANCE

Why is it that I sometimes put up with outrageous behavior from people who are in pain? Because I was raised to do so. Being in pain was a license to cause pain to others. To tolerate that pain was our job. “As long as you are living under our roof and eating our food, which we resent since your expensive presence forces us to be bourgeois adults and not free spirited artists, you will put up with the outrageous behavior in which we engage due to our disappointment in the lives we have had to lead since you came into existence.”

I do not like to be pressed to give this explanation. I am well aware of it and reciting it does me harm. But Reeducated people keep asking, keep asking, as though their invasive questioning would cause me to discover something new. I do in fact know what the problem is, thank you very much, you lifeless limbs of Satan. Not actually pronounced as a whole speech, but communicated in fragments, was this: “You do not really deserve to exist at all. Therefore, you should be grateful for any recognition of your existence whatsoever. Abuse and mistreatment imply recognition of your existence. You should accept them, even gladly, since they are better than what you actually deserve which is complete isolation.” That is what I am trying to get over and I am very, very well aware of it, and it does me no good to explain it. Show me someone who wants me to explain it so that they can “help” and I will show you someone who just wants to drink blood. All I have to offer them is garlic, salt, and the Cross. Satan, get behind me.

I wonder if the IRL person who may be reading this is happy to have extorted what I am not happy to have written down or to have other IRL people who may be reading this see. I wonder why it is that I want to show this particular IRL person that they are nobody to psychoanalyze me. I am (erroneously, and for the last time) making too great a revelation as a (mistaken, I know) way of throwing down the gauntlet and putting up the ultimate defense — Satan, get behind me — because I have really had it. I am not playing any more and after this I will be utterly quiet and simply repel … witchcraft.

And the answer to the question above is, of course, that I am attracted to the justifiers of Da Whiteman because I also share their problem. Yet they are committed to playing with darkness and my home lies on the lighter path. And I have been told more than once that it was arrogant to use one’s powers to rise if one did not also elevate everyone else with one. And I disagree utterly with this falsely democratic vista.

RESULT

I always thought that if I could heal someone’s pain then they would stop being mean and we could all be happy. I did not realize that they only wanted treatment, not healing, and that they were more interested in the reproduction of a model than in jumping up to a happier paradigm. That is why I always struggled with this person. We were working at cross purposes. For me, the question of survival was in play and I was in mortal danger either way. I could either follow the model, which would be suicidal, or struggle against it, which would put me at risk of psychic murder at the hands of this individual. I was not in a position to step outside the trap, and I keep forgetting that I am in a better position to do so now.

OFFICIAL STATEMENT

Those were the things I presented as problems to Reeducation on the first day. Thus you can see that I was quite lucid and conscious. Reeducation imagined all sorts of insane things about the nature of the psyche and of life. I have now met the kind of people Reeducation imagines everyone to be, and I am truly horrified.

What I cannot stand about such people is that they ask me why I am vulnerable to them, as though it were the first time I ever considered such a question, and as though they, of all people, could be my leaders in “self discovery.” This is why I am still so angry at Reeducation and all its denizens. And I know what they would say to this — that what one dislikes in others is what one dislikes in oneself — and I can say that I participate in their error insofar as I would prefer that they join me on the higher path — but I also point out that I do not dislike George W. Bush because he resembles me.

It is unkind of me but I prefer to think of these people as “trashy” and not just “suffering” or “sick.” For one thing, I do in fact think they are as they are by choice, at least in part. I also prefer the word “trashy” because it does not elicit in me any form of pity or empathy. The word “trashy” helps me avoid these people. It helps me remember that I have better things to do than deal with them. It helps me reject wolves in sheep’s clothing.

SIDE NOTE: ON HERESY

I am still an unbaptized heathen pantheist and when I was converted out of atheism it was at an African based Protestant church service I had attended for social and not religious reasons (the funeral of a friend). I am therefore not at all qualified to comment on matters theological. Yet I will say I understand perfectly well why the Church is concerned with heresies. It is not just that they want ideological control, although they do that. At a more fundamental level, it is that when you play with the elements of religion, magic, psychology, and philosophy you are playing with powerful elements — playing with fire. You need qualified practitioners in charge, not just a joker du jour. And that is why I am so vitally opposed to New Agers, self helpers, “non denominational” Christians, newborn Buddhists, and every other non serious seeker who grants themself authority but refuses the discipline it takes to develop an actual ethic or undertake a real education.

Axé.

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10 Comments

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10 responses to “Post Out of Place

  1. An experience of scarcity of affection, coupled with an already strong enough foundational character structure, may actually be more healthy than an experience of receiving too much stimulation and affection and so on. That way, you are prepared to think that whatever good in life there is, you have to work hard for it. You appreciate the little gestures of support. Reading this blog recently has given me a better sense of how passively consumerist and “give me, give me” the bourgeois orientation actually is. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around as well — that sense of deserving all the best things in life, and a feeling of plenitude on a material but not on a spiritual level. It explains a lot — but still I can’t quite grasp it.

    I can see how I have been incomprehensible in so many ways because I have aimed for a feeling of spiritual plenitude even if it cost me a lot materially. I think that the assumption is that “human nature” aims for material plenitude first and then … maybe stops there. So, you get a degree and so on only to make your way up a material ladder. And yet I have never done this. I’ve never felt that it was worth it, to stab someone in the back in order to assure my own advantage upwards on the ladder of material success. It’s always been a spiritual issue to me, to question why one person would stab somebody else in this way, and to wonder what it means as a metaphysical gesture. (I have to see it as a metaphysical gesture, because I can’t understand how it would serve anyone’s direct advantage.)

    I wouldn’t worry about your IRL person and their perceptions of your blog, if read. They won’t be able to understand the shame you might feel in having to confront this moral travesty, unless they are able to digest it merely as words in an extremely logocentric manner. (That is what I find with trolls, for instance, that they try to catch you out on the basis of what the words appear to mean superficially, when taken out of context, but they do not seem to understand the deeper gist — ie. they do not understand the words in context.)

  2. atheistwoman

    “And the answer to the question above is, of course, that I am attracted to the justifiers of Da Whiteman because I also share their problem. Yet they are committed to playing with darkness and my home lies on the lighter path. And I have been told more than once that it was arrogant to use one’s powers to rise if one did not also elevate everyone else with one. And I disagree utterly with this falsely democratic vista.”
    (AW nods, dips toe in pond, tests waters)
    I understand what you mean now, I think. It is the sort of man who because he is either very intelligent or artistic or even merely perceptive, he looks at the world, does not like what he sees, and so falls into a spiral of destructive acts? And then wants to drag others in with him?

    “if one did not also elevate everyone else with one” You seem to have been caught up in, it is Marianisma, the need to self-sacrifice/be ashamed of success…

  3. AW – Marianismo, definitely. I don’t believe in it but everyone around me the last 20 years does and they do all they can to enforce it. That is one of my sources of pain — I’d love to wish that all away, but it is really true that they really do make one pay, one way or another. Resignation to marianismo is one of the things this blog is designed to fight.

    Da Whiteman is that and more. He is described on this page, in point 6. http://profacero.wordpress.com/about/

    Jennifer – Yeah. Metaphysical gesture, yes, and that is why I say witchcraft. I do not mean witchcraft in the positive sense. Sometimes I really do think there is such a being as Satan, and that it is attractive and seductive just as they say Satan is. Tempting. To the abyss.

    Moral travesty, yes. Scarcity of affection, as you say, as opposed to too much, I suspect that’s true too, although the IRL person who has so upset me had less affection and a whole lot of chaos. But people really do seem to want Stuff as opposed to some sort of spiritual growth and when they then claim they are on a “spiritual path” the duplicity really pisses me off because they are using everyone and everything in such self serving ways — or in service of the Devil, to continue using my metaphor du jour.

    The IRL people I don’t want to see this are my parents, whom I have harangued quite enough already on these matters and whose responsibility I am really not any more. I’m going to have to put up a song or something so that, with luck, they pass over this post.

  4. P.S. Jennifer – I am reading your book.

  5. I mean, I don’t think they mean it as a metaphysical gesture, but it’s really hard to understand that people only want so little as to get a bit ahead of you on the basis of APPEARANCE (rather than actual competence or something like that.) It just doesn’t seem worth it that this little sordid bit of public recognition, or even the extra dough in their paypacket, would make it worthwhile. I, myself, would not aim that low, or feel that I was getting anywhere that way. So, I consider that there must be another reason for it. But there isn’t — and perhaps, too, there is no “metaphysical” thinking in it, as that is just my projection (reading something more elevated from my on character structure into a character structure that is not capable, by any means, of elevation).

    Thanks for reading my book. Please post a review of it on Amazon when you get around to it, as it is exactly these issues we are dealing with here that it also aims to tackle. I have a feeling that it will need to be vindicated, in due course, from a lot of the low minded, who think it is about something else.

  6. I hear you, both of you.

  7. I’ve also posted a newer thesis statement on my blog.

  8. atheistwoman

    So you are saying the justifiers of Da Whiteman are also Da Whiteman? Interesting. I have looked back, and I was confusing the chaotic man with those telling you to calm down and ignore him. Now I have it sorted and I can see why you would call both groups Da Whiteman.

  9. I mean, all of you. You have become accustomed to enormous amounts of abuse, and it feels normal to you. Stop letting people abuse you!

  10. Hattie and AW – correct. Jennifer – voy a tu blog.

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