It has been an entire weekend of rather boring work, frustrating in part because all of it must be done rather superficially, uninterestingly. I was tired and went on a walk. Now I will write this post, and then I will do one more thing. Then I will stop, and get up very early. I will be in the office at six.
I am trying to reconstruct myself. In the spring I thought about this, theorized it, designed it. Now I am trying to do it. Despite all the flashes of identity I always have, it isn’t easy to reconstruct self. To do this I am going to take guerrilla action to streamline work. The Blackguard would like me to change the whole system, and the Whiteman would like me to submit to it and/or change it to the benefit of everyone else, but the only answer is to take guerrilla action on my own behalf. I see that others have done this. Of course the best solution would be to think systemically, but in the impossibility of this I will take guerrilla action on my own behalf.
When did I give up legitimate authority in life: in a series of somewhat forced decisions in the late 20th century. What was life like before that: I had not yet learned it was illegitimate to save myself and required to rescue others. I was far more centered then, and happier, and I got more done. I am taking back legitimate authority in life and one thing it means is putting academic service last. When I remember how much non exhausted time of my own I had in the days when I still held legitimate authority, I am positively amazed.