This post is not generally comprehensible, but perhaps it can be my last on Reeducation. The main advantage of not being reeducated is to be able to work. From Reeducation forward I could not really work, although I did a lot of work.
The reason I could not work was that the minute I even thought about it all I could hear were huge numbers of voices in my head: I had betrayed everyone by doing the Ph.D., it had hurt the family, it had hurt everyone, it had hurt Reeducation, I had no right to it, who did I think I was.
Did I not know you could not have both an acceptable research field and also your own thoughts, did I not understand that if you wished to survive you could not have a work, but only acceptable and accepted fabrications, who did I think I was, who did I think I was? Who did I think I was to deserve a mind of my own, why did I feel my body was mine, who did I imagine myself to be, and on, and on, and on.
It took a very long time to refute these voices and then to learn how to quiet them down. They only really left about three weeks ago, even though I had them quite well corralled by that point.
This is the reason I am so opposed to discipline and time management as remedies for what is hardly laziness or lack of education but is in a practical sense a serious illness or disability. I spent so many years having people say, just manage your time, just this, just that, take strong drugs.
I would say, Reeducation has ruined me for this field, I need another, and people would say, how can you abandon us, how can you possibly betray us by thinking of anything else. So now, I was a hurtful person because I had gone into this in the first place, and also because I was considering remedying the first sin. It was very hard to function because it seemed there was no step I could take that would not have someone wailing in pain.
My exasperation with diffident, officious academics is boundless and, I believe, involves much more, politically, than does my reaction to Reeducation. Still, the condescending, unfounded, and anti-intellectual things academics had to say about Reeducation’s devastating effects reduces in itself my respect for (United States) academics quite a great deal. Perhaps this was a mere example of the diffidence and officiousness that reigns.
Perhaps this is why I prefer to work abroad.
In fact, that is it. My real academic identity, the one I relate to, was created abroad. This explains a very great deal, and it explains why I seem so South American. I understand now.