Une belle vie

At the pool I ran into my ex’ other ex and we exchanged notes on our summer activities. “You have a nice life,” she said; “I did try to make this summer good,” said I.

But in general I do have a pleasant life and it is because of having given up considering what I learned, namely:

- that my expertise was false and had been gained upon false premises, and
- that my having autonomy or self determination was hurtful to others.

¿Cómo, y en qué momento me jodí? asks this blog. What stops you? Let us try to boil the answers to this question down some more, to their clearest and most skeletal form:

- the idea that one should not be who one is
- the ideas that it is impossible that one could be who one is, and that one is “dishonest” to claim to be who one is
- the idea that one has no right to be who one is
- the idea that if one insists upon being who one is, people will suffer and die
- the idea that one’s ideas and perceptions are necessarily wrong, because of who one is, and that it is disrespectful to have any ideas or perceptions of one’s own.

These ideas tend to cause me to try to be as little myself as possible, while still surviving; that has a number of detrimental effects including failure to thrive. I started this weblog to eradicate these ideas. I said I would go back to living as I had before. I was told you cannot go back, but I have in fact made great strides in this endeavor.

Axé.

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6 Comments

Filed under Banes, Da Whiteman

6 responses to “Une belle vie

  1. What makes me angriest are adults who discover a child’s true talent and heart’s desire and crush it. This happens all the time to little girls.

  2. Z

    Well, my parents tried hard when I was a child, but they were not as completely successful as that therapist I engaged when I was an adult.

    It really is sadistic, though, and I could almost kill over it.

  3. You and I have always had similar issues, including the weird tendency not to be in place when someone attacks us with overpowering institutional authority — or at least what I take for that.

    It’s hard to remain within a system that systematically undermines you. I’ve taken that last step of no longer retaining my connection with it. Suddenly my mind is at peace. I feel normal. I recognize myself for the first time and really like it.

    So it isn’t you, it’s the system.

  4. Luckily for me, I am in a situation where I do not need to work full time in order to survive. I may yet cut my own throat, but that remains to be seen. I’m no longer susceptible to the moral blackmailers of identity politics simply because I no longer buy into the system or wish to earn my credentials by it.

  5. Z

    It just came to me — what I need is not a writing group, it is a self respect group, and then I remembered — that was what I created the blog for.
    :-)

  6. Sleepless

    Here is an alternative,

    Yo quiero ser una chica almodovar
    como la maura como victoria abril,
    un poco lista, un poquitin boba,
    ir con madonna en una limousine,
    yo quiero ser una chica almodovar
    como bibi, como miguel bose,
    pasar de todo y no pasar de moda,
    bailar contigo el ultimo cuple.
    y no parar de viajar del invierno al verano,
    de madrid a new york, del abrazo al olvido,
    dejarte entre tinieblas escuchando un ruido
    de tacones lejanos.
    encontrar la salida de este gris laberinto
    sin pasion ni pecado ni locura ni incesto,
    tener en cada puerto un amante distinto,
    no gritar ¿que he hecho yo para merecer esto?
    yo quiero ser una chica almodovar
    como pepi, como luci, como boom,
    venderle al garbo mis secretos de alcoba,
    ponerme luto por un matador.
    yo quiero ser una chica almodovar
    que a su chico le suplique: ¡atame!,
    no dar el alma sino a quien me la roba,
    desayunar en tiffanys con el.
    y no permitir que me coman el coco
    esas chungas movidas de croatas y servios,
    ir por la vida al borde de un ataque de nervios
    con faldas y a lo loco.
    encontrar la salida de este gris laberinto
    sin pasion ni pecado ni locura ni incesto,
    tener en cada puerto un amante distinto,
    no gritar ¿que he hecho yo para merecer esto?
    como patti diphusa escribir mis memorias,
    apuntarme a cualquier clase de bombardeo,
    no tener otra fe que la piel ni mas ley
    que la ley del deseo.
    encontrar la salida de este gris laberinto
    sin pasion ni pecado ni locura ni incesto,
    tener en cada puerto un amante distinto,
    no gritar ¿que he hecho yo para merecer esto?

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