“There is nothing like having risked your life with people over something immensely important to you.” –Guyot
I am obsessed with civil rights because I associated it with school. It was the big event of the day when I started. School was freedom in itself, and freedom was also taking place.
This is the feeling I would like to recapture, if I can; I see it in glimpses.
I began to fear school when I learned to associate it with abuse. I do not want to write down the images as that gives them power.
The question is how to fight them and I did know this at one time, before they got so bad. It is strange but it only now occurs to me that the same tactics could work again. I will try this.
I think I will also call C.V. as a padrino from the spirit world or something like this, so he will stop haunting the present manuscript. I might have imaginary conversations, make wry faces and say qué mal va esto from time to time.
At a practical level, there are too many fragments of essays for this book. Each one is a beginning, each one takes a different lens. I can say it is a cubist book, it looks at things from different angles, but it still has to be cohesive, and it cannot be the Aleph.
I have just figured out the answer. Series of overlapping essays, no I will not think of this project in that way. I will have a book that makes a much more confident claim. What does not fit just lives as articles, to be taken up later or else not.
All right — this clears my mind. Now I get to figure out which lens I am taking, what scope I can really have. And unbelievably, although the title may not say this, the actual topic of this book is … fractured subjectivity!