Category Archives: Resources

We’re going to let it shine

“I’m so glad I’m fighting for my rights, singing glory Hallelujah, I’m so glad.”

#OccupyHE

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What would help?

…asked Hattie. I am actually working on a list, but it does not include some things I was told and that are interesting, including:

* People get up in the morning and ask themselves, what can I do for ME today? And then they do that thing first. Apparently I really mistreat myself and do not call it mistreatment. I even mistake mistreatment for health, I am told.

* I should be good to myself, which I am not, and “stand up for myself” … be good to myself, or true to myself (remember one theme of this weblog is integrity).

* The strategies to remedy the general situation that I have tried so far are insufficient — it is not that I have not used them right, used them in good faith, and so on, but that they are insufficient.

#OccupyHE

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Was it the kernel…?

“You should not be doing research.”

“Your research identity is proof of your failure as a person.”

I should have just laughed but I was terrified and wanted to disappear.

It is a not good idea to look into this abyss but I carry so much pain in me all the time.

(I have also just seen that I am about as codependent a person as there can be.)

And avoidant, it is downright pathological, it has been going on for years and it is painful.The idea of being permanently dependent because of not being valid enough to stand on my own is the wound I have from childhood and it is what I would like to heal.

I do not want to feel this way, or think about feeling this way, or SPEND TIME AND ENERGY ON IT, any more. I think I torture myself by trying to figure it out and that it does not help.

At the same time HOW can I get my concentration back, how can I stop spending so much time frozen in pain and fear? How can I heal this … treat myself like a valuable person … stand in the center of my life, in the light as this weblog used to say?

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Ya lo he dicho

You have to be in a position to be calm and comfortable and keep a clear head. No writing or efficiency advice works if you do not establish this first. It is trickier than one would think and I did not know this before I first lost this kind of situation — did not know what it was like not to have it.

There are various resources you need, material and psychic, to have it. This knowledge is why my writing advice is apparently unlike everyone else’s writing advice.

#OccupyHE

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A clear mind

I am still thinking about these posts on motivation. What do you need to move forward? Not technique by this time, or interest in project — technique helps and some level of interest is needed, but the fundamental need is peace of mind. You need a clear head. You need to be comfortable enough. You need a strong enough ego to consider that your hunches could be right.

I in particular need to stop thinking that it is technique or discipline I lack (although it is more research time and a narrower set of tasks I need, and although I know that it was when I renounced some research time for Reeducation that my task list broadened). So yes, I need to take more research time and make deeper use of it. But more fundamentally I think the kind of academic advice I need is different, for Vichy State and other things:

The first group practiced meditation, breathing exercises, and qigong practices to hone mental focus. The second received instructions on curbing negative thoughts, practicing gratitude and reclaiming an aspect of adult life.

In the mindfulness group, for instance, they were told to bring a moment-to-moment awareness to a daily activity like chopping vegetables. An assignment in the positive development group might entail taking a “guilt inventory” to assess if your guilt is healthy or counterproductive.

[Participants] learned ways to tackle their distress as problems arise. The idea is to stop wasting energy…

(Those were techniques of “denial” in Reeducation, but Reeducation was wrong.)

#OccupyHE

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Dulce hogar sin estilo

Pour votre considération: scholar, scientist, researcher, what do these terms imply?

(In other news I would like to say that Vallejo’s French was execrable. Execrable. How he did not get better than that in 15 years is hard to understand.)

A fascinating fact about him, however, is that he dropped the fall, 1931 writers’ conference tour of the USSR halfway through. It was his third voyage to this paradise and he was apparently starting to see through the regime.

#OccupyHE

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This is how I will use JSTOR without wi-fi

With a phone. I will let everyone know how this works and I will also remember to cancel this service when I no longer need it (or when it turns out not to work).

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To do

This article; the syllabi; the LASA2015 abstract; the grading; the parking permit.

In the fall: the other article.

It is strange no longer to collude in my own oppression but I appear to be achieving this. I will become stronger still.

The very worst aspect of working at our place is the way we are undermined by the administration and used to undermine each other. I will guard against this.

#OccupyHE

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One

So it is going now, and I am becoming one with this project. Whole. The image of jumping off into a project does not work for me. I decided it was not a question of jumping off, but of drawing things toward me.

You have to think in terms of integration and love, not alienation, rubrics, duty. That is my academic advice.

#OccupyHE

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Ser alguien

Today with Creole plate lunches we were talking about strategies for getting things done. We already know that in summer, to assign oneself four hours of work each day and take the rest of the time off is a wonderful, relaxing, renewing strategy. First a week’s absolute vacation, then this. So we are not talking at a basic level about discipline, “time management,” or how to work otherwise. We were talking about how to be the people who work, how to retain self respect, how to maintain lucid focus in an environment that undermines and derails.

Elements in the discussion are all topics we have explored before,  but we are concentrating our ideas and making them concise. In no particular order:

- Women, under constant assault. Identities (particularly professional identities) under constant assault. Having to recover, put one’s shards back together, in order to do real work. This has to be honored and space has to be made for it, and the reconstruction has to be done consciously.

- One must fight on one’s own side.

- One must remember that other people can sometimes be wrong.

- I tend to put my work last because I put myself last.

- You have to revive yourself to revive your work.

- Dissociation and withdrawal are my reactions to trauma. I have to heal these to work. Every day.

Conversing in person on these matters I was more sophisticated and subtle than is this post, but these notes may be an aide-mémoire. The key insight is that I have to power to be supportive of myself and I do not use it — I was taught that only through self-destruction or at least passivity could one earn survival, but I can in fact use my powers on my own behalf.

#OccupyHE

Axé.

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