Category Archives: Theories

Quelque chose a changé

On standing up for oneself, I did it seriously a few days ago and it has made a difference, or meant a shift.

Key words from meditation are disturbing and set adrift.

There are many perceptions to record and many things to say, but my next long meditation will be on Maringouin, our strange lives here.



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Sur Deleuze, et sur le sujet

It is time to actually read Anti-Oedipus and the discussions of it from those days, in places like this.

Here is my Vallejo problem: my issue is psychic invasion, and I have a visceral reaction to the idea of subject shattering.

“Then that is a non-liberatory, but binding, shattering,” someone said.

What is fractured subjectivity in and for Vallejo?


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So it is the splitting I experience. Last week’s exercise on shame (and the shame I feel comes from this) made it perfectly clear that the problem is splitting. I always have done it to some minor extent. Graduate school cured me of most of it, and Reeducation brought it back in a much more extreme form. I am withdrawn, and this is one split, and I have an introjected torturer or persecutor, and that is the other.

Now I am splitting over this paper. All my writing advice — and I do have writing advice, you must give yourself research time, you must give yourself a space of play within your ideas, you must not lose touch with your work, you should not attempt to “binge write” — is true and I need it, but the person who uses that advice has to be present. For that, one must stop the splitting. I tend to think it is better discipline that is needed but that idea exacerbates the splitting. And one must stop the splitting.

(I am still against free writing and “just writing”, by the way … I think they are forms of binge writing or busywork, and I don’t believe in bad first drafts, either. All these techniques cause me to write in circles, and the idea of rushing makes me shut down. I had my system set up long before free writing, “just writing,” and the use of alarm clocks to goad oneself into starting and stopping, came into style. Perhaps the people who advocate free writing do not keep notebooks full of notes, or logs of work, or paragraphs that come to them out of the blue on scraps of paper, I do not know. In any case, trying to free write when your actual problem is splitting will get you nowhere.)

I have been splitting, and it is important to notice this and integrate, it seems. I have to consider this further. Splitting means I turn on myself, and the reading on shame reminds us that nowadays, the perpetuation of emotional suffering is self inflicted and can therefore be stopped. I want to hold onto some fleeting visions: one, of the feeling that trauma was past or could be past, and two, of myself in the center of my life. Not pressed against the edges while some large other person flings around from the center of the room with a sledgehammer.

I want peace. I can remember what it was like not to be splitting; I remember taking really good care of myself on the one hand, but not thinking about myself at all, on the other, because this was not needed; I was present.


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Qu’est-ce que je peux faire pour MOI asteur?

…decide what this paper, which feels alien, has to do with my book, which does not.


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The next step

It is to talk about work, my history of work. Relation to self in work, relation to family in work. Education, Reeducation, work, identity, right to exist. This is a broader topic than I am covering in this post.

This post is about research. There is a way in which my entire academic problem is about research, which one was always supposed to cut short in order to rush products out the door. That has in part to do with studying on the quarter system.

It has more to do with the idea that research should be hidden and teaching and service made obvious, if you were to get along. Yes, you wanted writings out by the end of the year, but actually having these writings be good writings, more than pirouettes, was self indulgent.

It was also considered to be “procrastination.” You should not undertake research, you should just write. It is research time and research calm, not writing strategies, that are key; this is where I disagree with everyone else.


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But, on the other hand, I love research

…and the time for that, and the validity of the research identity, and the authority to do research, are what Reeducation took.

I am not sure I agree with everything in this post, or identify, but it is of interest and I do not think Vallejo had the idyllic childhood they say he had.


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Pour penser

My explanation for this record is unsatisfactory: I simply never saw the point of school. I loved the long process of understanding. In school, I often felt like I was doing something else.

There is a great deal to say about various points made in this piece. A side comment from me is that perhaps one of the reasons I like to go on language immersion is that it is so escapist. A way to withdraw. Also a venue in which I can be extroverted, but in a way I like. And a venue in which I can recreate myself.


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