With a phone. I will let everyone know how this works and I will also remember to cancel this service when I no longer need it (or when it turns out not to work).
I am trying to not post a great deal, so I can have the recent posts as references for the rest of the summer. But here is one more note.
Work has suddenly become much more accessible, and this happened because I decided I had a right to it. That is important because even in my best eras I have always been working against the idea that I did not.
Reeducation was not just analysis but that was an element in it. The analyst was against the idea that someone like me could be qualified for a professional job. Work became difficult and I became depressed.
I was still thinking simply and clearly then. I had not yet been asked and asked and asked again what was happening, so I had not developed long explanations, but could get straight to the point.
Why are you depressed? asked a friend. Because I have contracted self-hatred, said I.
What is your work problem? asked he. It is that I have no self to put into work anymore, I said. I have no self and no voice.
The first sign of difficulty was not at work, however, it was at play. I am not sure this analysis is a good thing, I told the analyst. Since it started I no longer consider myself worth taking to the movies, or to the beach. How can that not be a bad sign? I asked.
This article; the syllabi; the LASA2015 abstract; the grading; the parking permit.
In the fall: the other article.
It is strange no longer to collude in my own oppression but I appear to be achieving this. I will become stronger still.
The very worst aspect of working at our place is the way we are undermined by the administration and used to undermine each other. I will guard against this.
So it is going now, and I am becoming one with this project. Whole. The image of jumping off into a project does not work for me. I decided it was not a question of jumping off, but of drawing things toward me.
You have to think in terms of integration and love, not alienation, rubrics, duty. That is my academic advice.
Yes, all these things happened because I had impaired resources for a while.
Now, I am rescuing my work from its glass case. Yes, I am authorized to do this. Yes, I have the power to do something meaningful. Yes, I have time.
(Am I interested in this, for itself? Yes, but I never gave myself the chance to develop that. The more immediate concern was always survival.)
I do not think it is lack of interest, much though I have tried to claim over the past twenty years that it is. And true as it is that I have other interests that could be professional interests, interests I feel I could pursue with greater happiness and success because they are in fields less fraught for me and also more open to me. But once again, I do not think my academic problem is lack of interest.
It is, rather, the sensation of having been imprisoned and having the jailers use me work, which they have appropriated, to beat me with. One can defend against that perverse use of one’s work by saying one has lost interest in it. But this explanation is not satisfactory as it is inaccurate. More accurately, that work needs to be rescued from its glass case (they have used it as an instrument of torture but really it is the Sleeping Beauty).
And yes, one has the power. One forgets but one has it, and that is why this weblog was conceived of as insurgent: Sandinista, Zapatista, Freirista. And I see now more clearly than ever why I dislike academic advice. It not only assumes one does not know what one is doing or that one is not actually interested in what one is doing — it also ignores what is the heart of the matter for very many of us.
The issue is not not knowing what one is doing or not being interested in what one is doing or not being willing to sacrifice for what one has decided to do. It is having work stolen and competence seen as a liability. It is having been told repeatedly that one is not authorized to do this. It is not for you, you are not invited, you will never make it…
There is no amount of discipline or “time management” that will have its desired effect if you have been convinced you either are not competent or should not be, and that your work either is not yours or should not be. There are also no medications or rest cures to cure this problem. It has to be named and recognized to be countered. I oppose academic advice because it is so often deployed and also constructed to interdict such naming. It comes not to clarify but to cloud vision.
I resist and fear not the work itself but the officious advice that surrounds it. I do not need exhortations to rush or other warnings of the various sorts one gets. I need to remember that I am in fact authorized to do what I am doing, and to use my time doing it.
Sondé miroir, O Legba. We are all great sacrificers and penitents.
Today with Creole plate lunches we were talking about strategies for getting things done. We already know that in summer, to assign oneself four hours of work each day and take the rest of the time off is a wonderful, relaxing, renewing strategy. First a week’s absolute vacation, then this. So we are not talking at a basic level about discipline, “time management,” or how to work otherwise. We were talking about how to be the people who work, how to retain self respect, how to maintain lucid focus in an environment that undermines and derails.
Elements in the discussion are all topics we have explored before, but we are concentrating our ideas and making them concise. In no particular order:
- Women, under constant assault. Identities (particularly professional identities) under constant assault. Having to recover, put one’s shards back together, in order to do real work. This has to be honored and space has to be made for it, and the reconstruction has to be done consciously.
- One must fight on one’s own side.
- One must remember that other people can sometimes be wrong.
- I tend to put my work last because I put myself last.
- You have to revive yourself to revive your work.
- Dissociation and withdrawal are my reactions to trauma. I have to heal these to work. Every day.
Conversing in person on these matters I was more sophisticated and subtle than is this post, but these notes may be an aide-mémoire. The key insight is that I have to power to be supportive of myself and I do not use it — I was taught that only through self-destruction or at least passivity could one earn survival, but I can in fact use my powers on my own behalf.