This post is not going up in order, because as soon as I write it I am going to press “publish.” So chronologically it follows three posts that are still coming up and which were in fact written before it. However I am putting it up now to announce now an important and irrevocable policy change.
I will never again to enter into a power struggle over my being with a person who appears to want a hand up, but actually wants to take my hand so they can pull me down into the swamp. There are mentalities it is hard for me to see because I would never even imagine them to exist. Yet they do exist and the next time I perceive one I will not doubt what I have seen. I will turn and run instantly, as opposed to wait for final confirmation of someone’s commitment to Xibalba.
I will no longer be especially nice to people who have been abuse victims, and tolerate poor behavior from them that I would not tolerate in anyone else. Too often they are themselves abusive. They mistake patience for a license to operate. My constant error is to think people want positive influences. I was myself so grateful when I began to meet people who modeled a different world and said one did not have to think as I had been taught to do. It is hard for me to imagine that others would not react in the same way but they do not. It is my error to want them to and not to see that they do not. Thence my policy change. This decision is final.
Why is it that I sometimes put up with outrageous behavior from people who are in pain? Because I was raised to do so. Being in pain was a license to cause pain to others. To tolerate that pain was our job. “As long as you are living under our roof and eating our food, which we resent since your expensive presence forces us to be bourgeois adults and not free spirited artists, you will put up with the outrageous behavior in which we engage due to our disappointment in the lives we have had to lead since you came into existence.”
I do not like to be pressed to give this explanation. I am well aware of it and reciting it does me harm. But Reeducated people keep asking, keep asking, as though their invasive questioning would cause me to discover something new. I do in fact know what the problem is, thank you very much, you lifeless limbs of Satan. Not actually pronounced as a whole speech, but communicated in fragments, was this: “You do not really deserve to exist at all. Therefore, you should be grateful for any recognition of your existence whatsoever. Abuse and mistreatment imply recognition of your existence. You should accept them, even gladly, since they are better than what you actually deserve which is complete isolation.” That is what I am trying to get over and I am very, very well aware of it, and it does me no good to explain it. Show me someone who wants me to explain it so that they can “help” and I will show you someone who just wants to drink blood. All I have to offer them is garlic, salt, and the Cross. Satan, get behind me.
I wonder if the IRL person who may be reading this is happy to have extorted what I am not happy to have written down or to have other IRL people who may be reading this see. I wonder why it is that I want to show this particular IRL person that they are nobody to psychoanalyze me. I am (erroneously, and for the last time) making too great a revelation as a (mistaken, I know) way of throwing down the gauntlet and putting up the ultimate defense — Satan, get behind me — because I have really had it. I am not playing any more and after this I will be utterly quiet and simply repel … witchcraft.
And the answer to the question above is, of course, that I am attracted to the justifiers of Da Whiteman because I also share their problem. Yet they are committed to playing with darkness and my home lies on the lighter path. And I have been told more than once that it was arrogant to use one’s powers to rise if one did not also elevate everyone else with one. And I disagree utterly with this falsely democratic vista.
I always thought that if I could heal someone’s pain then they would stop being mean and we could all be happy. I did not realize that they only wanted treatment, not healing, and that they were more interested in the reproduction of a model than in jumping up to a happier paradigm. That is why I always struggled with this person. We were working at cross purposes. For me, the question of survival was in play and I was in mortal danger either way. I could either follow the model, which would be suicidal, or struggle against it, which would put me at risk of psychic murder at the hands of this individual. I was not in a position to step outside the trap, and I keep forgetting that I am in a better position to do so now.
Those were the things I presented as problems to Reeducation on the first day. Thus you can see that I was quite lucid and conscious. Reeducation imagined all sorts of insane things about the nature of the psyche and of life. I have now met the kind of people Reeducation imagines everyone to be, and I am truly horrified.
What I cannot stand about such people is that they ask me why I am vulnerable to them, as though it were the first time I ever considered such a question, and as though they, of all people, could be my leaders in “self discovery.” This is why I am still so angry at Reeducation and all its denizens. And I know what they would say to this — that what one dislikes in others is what one dislikes in oneself — and I can say that I participate in their error insofar as I would prefer that they join me on the higher path — but I also point out that I do not dislike George W. Bush because he resembles me.
It is unkind of me but I prefer to think of these people as “trashy” and not just “suffering” or “sick.” For one thing, I do in fact think they are as they are by choice, at least in part. I also prefer the word “trashy” because it does not elicit in me any form of pity or empathy. The word “trashy” helps me avoid these people. It helps me remember that I have better things to do than deal with them. It helps me reject wolves in sheep’s clothing.
SIDE NOTE: ON HERESY
I am still an unbaptized heathen pantheist and when I was converted out of atheism it was at an African based Protestant church service I had attended for social and not religious reasons (the funeral of a friend). I am therefore not at all qualified to comment on matters theological. Yet I will say I understand perfectly well why the Church is concerned with heresies. It is not just that they want ideological control, although they do that. At a more fundamental level, it is that when you play with the elements of religion, magic, psychology, and philosophy you are playing with powerful elements — playing with fire. You need qualified practitioners in charge, not just a joker du jour. And that is why I am so vitally opposed to New Agers, self helpers, “non denominational” Christians, newborn Buddhists, and every other non serious seeker who grants themself authority but refuses the discipline it takes to develop an actual ethic or undertake a real education.