I have so many things to do that it is hard to know where to start. It is hard to know where to start because realistically, there is not enough time to accomplish it all — if there were, I could start anywhere. I would prefer to just start anywhere but I must first discern which task takes priority, since I know I cannot finish everything on time; this is very difficult since I have already reduced the size and scope of everything to a minimum.
I am glad at least that my building at work no longer feels hostile or empty, and that I can feel calm at work. I am glad I no longer dread work because of dreading the feeling of dread that came with it.
It is easy to criticize oneself but the actual meaning of my overly busy situation is not that I do not know how to manage time, but that my responsibilities are too diverse. People used to say that about my last job, but (a) it was not true except in comparison with a job an Ivy/public Ivy or Big Ten school, and (b) they had not seen this job which is far more diverse.
The Reeducated would tell me I am “blaming circumstances” when I should be “taking responsibility.” Such people haven’t the faintest idea what they are talking about. In addition, if they had ever moved from a more abusive to a less or non abusive workplace, which I have done about three times at this point, they should have observed that circumstances do in fact change people. It is not all you, and it is not all a question of how “spiritual” you are able to be or “how you look at things.” I am a materialist and I say practice forms theory.
In the Reeducated world, which appears to be the world of the Average Mentality, one cannot know things. In the time of Reeducation this idealist world thought it inappropriate for me to know I did not have time to complete my project as assigned. Nor was I supposed to realize I had not done all the necessary reading. I was to assume that the perception of a need to read was “procrastination,” and that the realization that a deadline I could refuse was unrealistic was “low self esteem” or some such thing. The only forbidden thought was that I could possibly have analyzed the situation correctly.
Now I have discovered that someone else is doing this abandoned project. Reading through the articles, I realize this person really has done all the reading I thought necessary, and more. I was right all along. The project of Reeducation may be to remove one’s legitimate authority, and to keep everyone seething about in some mendicant form of anxious seeking.
In the case my current project, it is past time for me to have started writing — even though there is much more which could be read. It is hard to write because I have so much material, it cannot be put into a small box. The only solution to is to write a great deal, as quickly as possible, and to put as much time into it as possible.
If I were still Reeducated, I would be questioning that thought. How could I be so arrogant as to think I can know for myself what I should do, and so on; how could I possibly believe I had professional expertise; and on, and on. And yet I have.