What if it is not “I hurt them terribly, in ways it was not fair of me to do and that still cause them daily pain, by being research oriented” — as I have always said since I accepted this as truth and repented for having disbelieved it for so long ago — but the opposite?

What if it is actually that they really tried to destroy me for this reason, and they used my then good record as the stick to beat me with, and it is I, not they, who am still in daily pain because of this?

What if, furthermore, it was not specifically my research orientation they found distressing — what if any form of individuation would have been equally painful to them? What if there is nothing I could have done?

What if I gave them all my blood and it still did not heal them?

Also, I have noticed that after I change myself for the sake of people or try to — when they say that my having the interests I do hurts them and I work to change myself so they will feel less pain — I then discover, once I have changed, that it really did not matter to them at all.

I have known for many years that it is not the work which is difficult, but what I had begun to transfer onto it that is. What I did not learn was how to stop doing this. Transferred on: the idea that it was not my right, the idea that if I could work people more deserving than I would die, the idea that if I worked, I would be killed; the idea that if I worked as I saw fit, I would be killed in a more painful way, a way that would include a high level of psychological torture. I regret not learning to stop fearing these things.

The work, to be done, has to be done objectively and with a certain distance. Yet I learned that if I did that someone would soon be screaming in the next room without anaesthesia and without end. The only way to ease their pain was not to work, or to do work that did not require one’s full faculties. The only way to ease their pain was to die.

It is not true. My ability to be objective, my scientific orientation, hurt no one and I have a right to them.

This is not a Reeducation post, it is a verbal and emotional abuse post. After my first education and that night of trauma, I sought support and healing for these things; when I refer to Reeducation I mean that night of trauma and the events surrounding it, and then the alleged healing I got. Reeducation posts critique that healing and those are what I have stopped writing; it is that night of trauma I am dealing with now.




Filed under Banes, Questions

4 responses to “Internalization

  1. I wonder what you would think about a discussion I had with a guest on his idea that research in the humanities is an emulation of the hard sciences, an attempt to boost prestige of the liberal arts. There is some truth to that, I think, but I think the real problem is semantic. It would be better to call what you do scholarship instead of research (ducks flying objects coming from Z).

    • Z

      Research in humanities is not an emulation of hard sciences but that does not mean it is not research. Your guests are quoting a certain conversation of 30-40 years ago and they have a lot of misconceptions.

    • Z

      Although there is current discussion, about how digital humanities is this, and about ways humanities research is getting mapped according to “indicators” and so on … I don’t really see the point, though, of making this distinction, unless you want to distinguish R&D from regular research, or unless you think humanities research is not research and you need to rename it “scholarship” so as to say it is something. I tend to think of scholarship as a research skill but one can also say research is one aspect of scholarly activity. Some think research is only that which brings in research dollars in the form of external funding. One can go on and on.

  2. Z

    But as far as what I was thinking about when I wrote this, I think I should stop thinking as it is weakening, it draws my research energy to psychoanalysis. The idea that one must work to support her, but not work so as to care for her, is the Emeritus Professor’s conflict, another way in which I have modeled myself so closely on him it is downright scary. I can analyze these things but I would much rather put them aside, close the hole in me that lets them drain my energy.

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