I am now in Houston where it is beautiful and I feel almost like a whole person with full human rights. Houston is a big city and it has several good radio stations, and I feel that I am a strong flame among many others, which I really like. I will masquerade as a real person for two days, and hope to bring that feeling home with me. I am still un-depressed, but I have so much pain and grief stacked in me and so much of life is so constrained.
In psychotherapy, which was one aspect of Reeducation, we learned self-destruction according to certain rules I have explained many times. My initial question on this was, what was the use of it? We would get gold stars for “not being in denial about ourselves,” for having (negative) feelings (happy or postive feelings were “coping mechanisms” and forms of denial), and for self-criticism, but who besides the therapist would benefit from this, and how many others, such as people who might need us to be happy and strong, would lose? I am now posing this question again, what is the use of it?
Two of the ideas that haunt me, and that I would like to shed right now, are
that my college degree is not valid and my graduate degrees are too real. My college degree is not valid because I did not work my way through a state school or receive scholarship funding to an Ivy or a SLAC; those possibilities, with a more traditional college life attached, would have meant my degree was real. I went to a low-state flagship and my aunt paid for it, and I emphasized taking advanced courses and getting good grades. So I did not fund college myself, and I did not do enough of the traditional college things, and my grades were too high, so my degree is not real and I should be ashamed. On the other hand, my graduate degrees are too real, too high quality. They constitute a kind of theft because I am not someone who should have been able to get such degrees, someone else should have gotten them, and they make people who do not have them feel inadequate even though that was never my intention. I have written them down and crossed them out, so I hope this action rids me of these ideas.
Two ideas I am unable to take seriously is that if professors resigned their jobs the unemployed Ph.Ds and adjuncts would get onto the tenure track — and that it is our moral imperative to try this.
Originally I started this weblog to post beautiful things, to lift the gris-gris from the day. It was my amusement at five o’clock, to lift my spirits and change atmospheres coming home. Then I started to use it to throw light on my shadows, and this has been useful, but I do not wish to turn it into an abyss and stare at that. Friday is Oxalá’s day, and I may start invoking Legba each morning. I am tired of Protestantism and time management and discipline, and tired of Catholic martyrdom, and I want to flow through life with the support of the many gods, in all the heavens.