…I relate to academia the way abuse victims relate to the world and this was why I knew I was disabled and should leave. People did not see this, and at the time I did not have the language to explain it.
This is because of having had a few abusive situations and then, when I did not, received abuse from the envious, that I did not understand.
It is the lower undergraduate teaching situation that terrifies me the most.
(I also do not identify with the mentality that goes with teaching a national language and literature — it is what I avoided studying as a student, and what I am not willing to reproduce as a researcher, yet it is etched in the curriculum where I am nailed into covering requirements. Perhaps I should visualise myself living in another building, and coming into Spanish just to give certain courses. I do not feel this limitation in the same way at places with broader graduate programs.)
Be all of these things as they may, I want to stop relating and reacting as an abuse victim. My solid spaces are so solid, I can almost see what it would be like to be entirely solid.