…I mean, seriously. What I understood today, would have worked then, I do believe. Perhaps not, yet still it seems so. Tant pis.
(What I learned was, don’t try to explain or justify things that have happened, do not try to defend, just say them. This stops the torture somehow–the how did we get here, the what did we do to deserve this, the how could we have avoided these disasters. Of course I have been saying one must forgive oneself for a long time, but I am guessing I had not done it.)
I am working on my fifth reference, who they should be. Should I call the Goose? (I have done it.)
I have come to the end of my patience and there are certain things I will not put up with any more.
(I will not defend against rumor or character assassination any more. I will no longer equivocate. I will be strictly professional but I will be very direct.)
The prospect of not putting up with rumor and innuendo any more is very strengthening. I will not be intimidated and I will not internalize these discussions any more, will not wonder what important flaw to which I am shockingly blind caused innuendo to fly.
I am quite unnerved with what is going on. I am reminding myself that worse things have gone on with other people.
I do, however, think it is quite normal to bounce things off colleagues: “I am not going to ask the grand vizier to go so far as to make an official change to [X], but do you think it would be reasonable to consider shifting policy on [X] in [x] way?”
Honestly: that is not a complaint or a criticism, it is normal consultation.
When I am a grand vizier, if someone comes to me saying someone else is “complaining” about me or “criticizing” me by saying the above, I will question the collegiality, and also the professionalism of the person who comes telling tales.