Being vulnerable to being preyed upon, that is what Dame Eleanor Hull diagnosed me with, and it is true. Most specifically I am preyed upon by a certain kind of individual with a certain type of protection, when I am in a place I appear not to be able to leave. That is when I dream colonized dreams, dream of victory, dream as Fanon did that I am chased by a fleet of motorcars which cannot catch up with me, and am yet immobilized in a chair (as it were) while awake.
I first noticed this in the third grade, had another episode of it in the fourth, and have done periodically since. I tolerate these people until I can no longer, at which point I exile them; they are always very greatly surprised. It was the preying upon I wanted to be cured by Reeducation, but Reeducation was a bird of prey itself.
Meanwhile, there are these things from Undine and her commenters, which made me realize I am entirely job identified — something I had not understood at all:
“I became a lot happier when I de-coupled my sense of self-worth and personal accomplishment from what I do for money. Ultimately that’s all a job is – a way to make money. From my perspective, making it any more than that is just a means for dehumanizing yourself, or corrupting the thing that you (once) loved.”
“It’s hard sometimes to decouple the two, but if you don’t have at least some distance, any setback can make you doubt yourself.”