I think I will go to the botánica and have trauma removed. I am utterly allergic to having teaching supervised by persons who know nothing about it. I used to feel fear and guilt around this, but now I feel anger.
I do not think the way I “check out” of these traumatic situations is procrastination, laziness, poor time management, and so on, and so forth — it is dissociation.
In Reeducation one was to live in one’s most irrational space, because this was one’s “true self” — rationality and mental health were “denial” and “coping mechanisms.”
To get to the truth we had to renounce the forms of self-care which were blocking our access to it. That meant sleep, exercise, food, yoga, meditation, and any other form of kindness had to go — so that one could feel the true pain one must be in and must be avoiding.
The idea that anything but pain could be real was looked upon with great concern and pity — poor thing, she still thinks there is something to life.
All forms of ego and agency had to go because they were delusional somehow, and I keep seeing that I have not shed these ideas.
I am tired of thinking about these things and notice, once again, that there are so many things I used to consider it normal to do, like walk down the block, that were prohibited in Reeducation and that despite my intentions I have not reclaimed.
I think I will go to the botánica and have trauma removed.
(I also intend to write a manifesto, and I have just realized that it has three levels, for three purposes and audiences. This parenthetical remark is a stand-in for that.)