It will say:
1. My father can drive.
2. He can shop, and has always done.
3. He can cook, and has always done.
4. He eats three meals a day more religiously than you or I.
5. No, he does not need “24 hour care.” That was what he arranged for my mother, who was on her deathbed. He, however, is not on his. He was walking and talking before my mother died, and he walks and talks now. No, he did not catch cancer from her. No, it is not contagious.
6. No, I am not upset that my mother was cremated.
7. No, I am not upset that there is no funeral, because I saw her before she died.
8. No, I am not upset that there is no obituary.
9. Yes, these were her wishes, and no, it is not difficult to honor these wishes.
10. No, I am not in denial about any of the above.
I will make a voice recording of these points and put it on the answering machine, and it will cover most of what people want to know when they make condolence calls.