It was beautiful yesterday, and could be also today. I need to write something — several things actually — and I am having difficulty gathering lucidity for it. I still struggle against all the self sabotage I learned to undertake. I should study some modern, and then some ancient Buddhist or other mystical text each morning.
Ultimately what I want to do is drop the load of guilt — you are doing something you have no right to be doing, are not qualified to be doing, will fail at doing, and will hurt others by doing … yet that you must nonetheless do because if not, you will be killed. This background noise was so terribly fraught. I want to be able to crank it back down, assume I am competent to be doing what I am doing and hurting no one by doing it. I want to consider all the voices who say it is all right for me to work for a living, or to have expertise, as opposed to those who say I must not.
I see people who manage to achieve things I do not and say I do not work hard enough, which is in part true — and has been for a long time. Yet this is not the significant truth. The significant truth is the systematic undermining I underwent and others did not … and my not understanding what was happening, and not knowing how to create a system of protection.
In Reeducation we were to stare long and hard at our difficulties, lest we be “in denial.” I do not think it was enlightening, but weakening. I would so like to just work without having to talk myself through and out of these things each day.
The weather has been so comparatively nice this summer, and the wind is so beautiful in the trees.