I am trying to not post a great deal, so I can have the recent posts as references for the rest of the summer. But here is one more note.
Work has suddenly become much more accessible, and this happened because I decided I had a right to it. That is important because even in my best eras I have always been working against the idea that I did not.
Reeducation was not just analysis but that was an element in it. The analyst was against the idea that someone like me could be qualified for a professional job. Work became difficult and I became depressed.
I was still thinking simply and clearly then. I had not yet been asked and asked and asked again what was happening, so I had not developed long explanations, but could get straight to the point.
Why are you depressed? asked a friend. Because I have contracted self-hatred, said I.
What is your work problem? asked he. It is that I have no self to put into work anymore, I said. I have no self and no voice.
The first sign of difficulty was not at work, however, it was at play. I am not sure this analysis is a good thing, I told the analyst. Since it started I no longer consider myself worth taking to the movies, or to the beach. How can that not be a bad sign? I asked.