More positive

I will not reiterate but we have to consider my professional self destruction as some misguided attempt at positive rebellion, find out what I was trying to do that was positive, hold on to that.

I am so tired. I wish I could understand the past and I wish most of my past had not happened. But trying to understand it just seems to be another form of destruction and torture.

I don’t know how to stop the pain except by having self respect and living well and I do not have the strength for either, or the resources.

I cannot believe how destructive I have been and am. I do know where I learned it, and I refuse to say I made it up out of the air for fun or due to my evil nature.

I also was not this way before psychotherapy. This a really key thing to remember — no matter what else there has been.




Filed under Banes

5 responses to “More positive

  1. I wonder: what would help? I wish I could help you.

  2. N G

    Clarissa seems to be having a hard time also.

    “I spent half the night crying because going back to work is very difficult. Everything reminds me of last year. And the one-year anniversary is approaching. It took everything I’ve got (and I haven’t got a lot) to bring myself to work today without looking completely swollen and without breaking down every 5 minutes.

    But then the general faculty meeting just had to be graced with some kid singing an interminable “This was the best year of my life” song.

    God has it in for me with a vengeance.”

    On a personal note, my eldest daughter (by 11 minutes, she’s a twin) after three university degrees is starting her first job this fall at the University of Michigan in East Lansing – any words of wisdom? By the way, it’s a tenure track position.

    • Z

      Hi NG! My answer to this got lost.

      Quick notes re your daughter for when I come back —
      * “secret” life, life outside work … you must have one wild or secret thing, a sportscar, an activity, some alternate, other side to your life
      * civic involvement: good idea for reasons I can explain
      * this job she has is a good job — that’s cool! 😀

    • Z

      Hi NG!!! 🙂 Michigan State at East Lansing, good job. Advice: have a “secret life,” namely something she does that is good for her and that is apart from the university and the department at least partly. More advice: get involved in some community type organization like League of Women Voters, somewhere where there will be people who are pillars of the community and old timers. They will appreciate her and give her information she will not otherwise have, and may have friends who are powerful in the university … useful in case she has any problems ever, since she will be able to backchannel and investigate options on the QT.

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