I will not reiterate but we have to consider my professional self destruction as some misguided attempt at positive rebellion, find out what I was trying to do that was positive, hold on to that.
I am so tired. I wish I could understand the past and I wish most of my past had not happened. But trying to understand it just seems to be another form of destruction and torture.
I don’t know how to stop the pain except by having self respect and living well and I do not have the strength for either, or the resources.
I cannot believe how destructive I have been and am. I do know where I learned it, and I refuse to say I made it up out of the air for fun or due to my evil nature.
I also was not this way before psychotherapy. This a really key thing to remember — no matter what else there has been.