“You should not be doing research.”
“Your research identity is proof of your failure as a person.”
I should have just laughed but I was terrified and wanted to disappear.
It is a not good idea to look into this abyss but I carry so much pain in me all the time.
(I have also just seen that I am about as codependent a person as there can be.)
And avoidant, it is downright pathological, it has been going on for years and it is painful.The idea of being permanently dependent because of not being valid enough to stand on my own is the wound I have from childhood and it is what I would like to heal.
I do not want to feel this way, or think about feeling this way, or SPEND TIME AND ENERGY ON IT, any more. I think I torture myself by trying to figure it out and that it does not help.
At the same time HOW can I get my concentration back, how can I stop spending so much time frozen in pain and fear? How can I heal this … treat myself like a valuable person … stand in the center of my life, in the light as this weblog used to say?