Stand up for yourself. But if I do, I will be killed.
But what if that is not true any longer? That is the exercise for this week.
For the semester and the future, sweeping away all the complex cobwebs, the line and program is:
1. The original disaster happened because I was too intimidated by standard academic advice (which is why I am so angry at it). At the same time Reeducation was telling me I was not a full person and all my experience and instincts were wrong, which did not help, but we have talked about that. And behind it is the starker truth: I was too intimidated by standard academic advice.
2. Since then I have been massively depressed, because I lost my work and the self that did it. Since depression treatment in this country does not work I decided it must be that I was not depressed and should just treat the situation with standard academic advice. Which is the other reason I am so angry at it. But massively depressed is the only explanation for everything that kept happening.
3. So we will say this: a. I have the right academic advice and b. I will treat my own depression by living well and not hiding out. Which is not how others might do it but it is how I want to do it. I want a cure, and I do not think this is unrealistic.
Things people have said lately that are useful are: 1. You get up in the morning and say, what can I do for ME today? 2. You have to stand up for yourself. 3. You can heal and should do the things that work for this. It is also very freeing to say: I was depressed all this time, rather than: I was not following rules well enough all this time.
I think I am a better psychoanalyst than most professionals. I also think current therapy, in which you do not look at root issues but only manage “genetic predispositions” and “chemical imbalances,” is wrong. The idea that looking at root issues means endless obsession with the past is silly … misguided. It is the opposite: looking at root issues means getting free.
What would the world look like if the oppressive academic advice, Da Whiteman, were gone?