…as I was deciding to go on partial leave this semester.
1. The situation, and my health situation, is and has been really bad. I do not recognize this enough but the only explanation for all that keeps happening is that it is bad. Recognizing that is different from joining the culture of complaint, or anything on that level. The issue is: my problems do not come from being lazy or not knowing how to work.
2. Powering through via “discipline” (or whatever) has repeatedly failed. It works for starting things but not for finishing them and this is not just a character failing since I was not like that before — the problem is that the strategy of powering through fails.
3. Better circumstances would help but what I bring with me is devastating in any case — as one can see from how much pain I have been in in better circumstances as well; at the same time the general life circumstances are less good than I recognize. They must be changed.
4. Rather than accept and obey recommended ways of improving I should actively pursue what works for me.
5. Dignity, self-esteem, self-love, self-care, kindness to self, learning not to yell at self or be otherwise abusive to self, actually being good to self, belief in self all seem to be the key things to work on. I was always shaky at these and psychotherapy destroyed them completely. I have to go after them radically.
6. Standing up for oneself: it is important to remember that regardless of whatever else I transferred onto a project I abandoned and onto my reasons for abandoning it, the basic reasons were that I did not dare to criticize, or modify, or diverge from, or question standard advice. In this way, I became responsible for a project I did not feel in charge of. You have to insist on taking a sufficient degree of authority in your work.
7. I do not put enough time into research and that this is a major frustration. Of course, in most of the jobs I have had it was not to come first, and that is one trauma I have. But the central point is that Reeducation and recovery from it are where the time and energy go. I warned of this when I first got certain assignments in Reeducation: if I did anything that time consuming and that destructive, my research program would be destroyed. People did not believe me then, just as they did not believe me later when this proved to be true.