So I am happy now. I hope this meltdown meant progress, and was not just some strange distraction. Saldo: it is what my friend said, the lack of kindred spirits. I should also drop self-doubt and stop putting everyone else first; this idea that you must come last is some strange Calvinist residue that has no place in my actual religion (O Legba). These things are key. Also, do what you want, said a friend years ago. I did not understand him; on the one hand I did not know I was not doing what I wanted, and on the other, I could not imagine that kind of freedom. I should sleep: honestly this sleep deprivation habit I have is like an eating disorder; I should give it up.
Part of why I am having this crisis has to do with footnotes. I am aware of the personal situations of several of the people I am citing. Those who are like me and the e had situations where they could do the things they wanted to do are one group I wish I had not left. Why I did that I should stop asking, I have the answer and should stop fretting: kindred spirits by distance were not enough to counterbalance what was happening in the concrete day. Others that I am citing are like me but are subsumed in problems like me, they are not among the beati, and I do not accuse them of moral failing as I appear to accuse myself.
I should, in other words, stop struggling with evil spirits and open the house instead to the energy of spirits who are not evil, and who send love. I am heavily avoidant because I am so afraid of people, or so it would seem, but this fear is mostly baseless and I should stop.
And I want meaning out of all those dark years; in fact many of the present difficulties have to do with a perhaps misguided effort to shake meaning out of them. I think that if there is none, if they are just lost (as they well may be), one should let them go. I can definitely tell in any case that despite everything I am a more skilled reader of Kristeva and Adorno and people like that than I was at one time, and this happened without practice.
#OccupyHE, or occupy something.