Y bien

Perhaps I have my text working, although I wish I could have managed it sooner. Of course I do all the writing things people recommend: put the books away and just write, write imperfect sentences, set a limited amount of time and see how much you can do within it. I do not disagree with these strategies–it is just that they are writing strategies, not project planning strategies or remedies for other things in life.

//I cannot write because I am not present, I said. Just do it, they said; on the other hand Reeducation said I had to be Reeducated first, which was of course wrong. You must come and sit with me if you want it done, help me to be present, I said. Just do it, they said. This effort to just do it, while Reeducation was saying I should not be able to do anything, is the wheel on which I was destroyed.//

I am so tired of talking about these things, and of being in situations where I must still deal with the fallout from these events, and I am so angry (and tired of being angry) about having been pummelled about and discouraged from my better judgement, which was that given the circumstances, the best move to make would be onward, up and out, by which I did not mean waiting and praying for another academic job (in another mystery location, to boot).

I would so like to be able to live differently. I keep saying this should be possible. But my friend says the problem is not me or any lack of effort on my part, but the lack of kindred spirits. The grief counseling and the suicide prevention people, meanwhile, say I should be “easier on myself” by accepting that certain things are not possible for me just now.

The problem I have is that they have been saying this for twenty years, and I do not think I am actually that weak, and I want so much more from life. Neither “this is not possible for me right now” nor “I am merely procrastinating” seem accurate, or sufficient.




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