It is like self-injury, or is self-injury. It has been happening since Reeducation said (or seemed to say, or communicated) I did not deserve to be enjoying life as I was, to be in as good health as I was or to have achieved the things I had.
I should stop following any Reeducated recommendations.
I should also give myself credit: I am working on something now that throws almost my whole life in my face. I could: give myself credit for this on the one hand, and on the other remember that objectively, it is just a little project.
I feel healed now.
But the mistreatment has a payoff, namely, that one gets to become ill, and to recover. (That is as though one only deserved a nice day as compensation for suffering. It also means one is convalescing instead of living well. The cycle is: self-injure, convalesce, repeat.)
That means it is a strategy for hobbling. And I would love to see what I would be like, and what my life would be like, unhobbled. But on the other hand: if I were only self-injuring moderately, I would not notice it and others would not, but I would still be undermining myself. It is almost as though I had magnified the phenomenon so as to be able to see what it is.
The destructive aspect of being ill and recovering: one does not get to do the things one could do if well.
The constructive aspect: one gets some time to think, time to see what underlies, and time off the straight and narrow (because otherwise one is doing what one should and what is correct and practical … since what one wants does not appear to available or attainable …).
The straight and narrow path I seem to be rejecting by engaging in self-harm: doing as one is told.
What I would like: not more obedience but rather, the vista of life unhobbled, life without self-harm.
My problem, still, is still about granting myself authority of any kind, and allowing myself to be at the center of my own life.
Why do I engage in self-harm? So that my mother will love me. Which I need her to do since I need her shelter.
But my mother is dead.
I must reoccupy good living. When I used to live well, treat myself well, enjoy life, be good to myself, do things during the day that advanced me, it was not because I was on the straight and narrow but because I was on the path of pleasure.
I would like to see what life is like without this. Not just a few days — I do manage that often enough — but months on end.
Yet it still feels as though Reeducation had killed the person who did so many beautiful things, the subject of those acts.
But one of my friends signs all correspondence, “Onward.”