That academic allergy

Working in a profession which you have been shamed for having and where you have also been shamed for being competent, and which you have in addition been shamed for being willing to consider as one option among many.

This multiple shame factor is so great as to be paralyzing and the time I spend fighting it is not “procrastination”. I have a nice psychologist with cognitive behavioral and “mindfulness” training and a good Ph.D. He points out that the lost time is a source of anxiety and that it augments pain, and these things are true. Yet that is where some time has to go as long as I am shackled in the way I am. What he does not see is that that pain, no matter how bad it is, is nothing compared to what it is to walk into the space of multiple shaming unprepared and unprotected.

Decades now trying to recover from Reeducation in the recommended ways. What others think will be “too painful” is something else.

[P]eople are attacking the minutiae because addressing the global stuff is too heavy. Or it might be too painful to recognize the structures of abuse and ill health that are dominating one’s life right now.

That is interesting because what I find more painful and also time-consuming is finding ways not to address the “global stuff,” or finding ways to conform to or compromise with those (practitioners) who think it would be too painful. I am clearly in a minority, wanting to get to the heart of things and move on.

I had a conversation with a colleague tonight who thought the administration was not being demoralizing intentionally. I said yes it is; it is just trying–and apparently succeeding, in your case–to convince you that it wants to improve morale. It wants to improve your morale as an employee, not as a faculty member.




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