La méditation de la semaine

There was my dream. There is the fact of having been raised from a certain point with fear, or from the beginning with fear, increasing. Fear and guilt and everyone was always so anxious. I am thinking about this.




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11 responses to “La méditation de la semaine

  1. Hmm. I’m wondering if fear does not define the existence of your cohort of women who seemed to have so many choices. And yet you would go out and try to exercise your “freedoms” and be threatened and thwarted instead. Most women of my age, the pre-Boomers, are cautious, because we know how much damage we would incur if we stepped out of line. I have always strategized and always made the assumption that no one would give me what I wanted just because I wanted it and/or it was my right. I’ve done well.
    Have you read “Wild” by Cheryl Strayed? This is the story of a woman with a character similar to mine and how she overcame her fears by hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. I did not have to go to such extremes.

    • Z

      Hmmm, I am talking about my parents: they were the ones so anxious and fearful. Although I guess it does apply that I and women my age got more trouble than we expected despite strategizing.

      Hiking Pacific Crest Trail to overcome fears, I don’t know that I have those kinds of fears. I’ve backpacked alone in high Sierra, gone to dangerous countries alone, etc., etc. What I never knew how to do was to calm my parents’ fears.

  2. Oh, this is good. I see.

    • Z

      She does not have the kinds of fears I have, she has others. She had supported herself and gotten married by 20. I did not have the confidence to do either — I knew I would choose an abusive relationship because of my background, and I did not think I would be worth employing.

      Yet I am not afraid to go out and do things involving hiking, travel, etc. So hiking, travel are fun but not therapeutic in the way they were for her. I also would not have made the kinds of hike planning errors she did, which seem self destructive to me (not that I do not self destruct differently).

      So it is more like: she is interesting and admirable but I do not relate — I am glad PCT worked for her as it did, and I would LOVE to do that trip and would find it transformative somehow, but it would not work on me as it did for her; nothing involving hiking or travel would, because they are too far in my comfort zone. So I am not respectful enough: I laugh at the idea of solving one’s life by means of one long hike, although I am sure others would think that what might be a transformative act for me were laughably simple as well.

  3. But why was it up to you to calm their fears? That’s a total reversal of the natural order of things.

    • Z

      Well, who else was around to do it? Somebody had to, it seemed to me, so we could stabilize and get a few things done. 😉

  4. Hmm. I think we are talking past each other. I’m now assuming you mean having to manage your parents’ difficult latter years. You throw these intriguing hints out, but I’m often not clear as to your meaning, the specifics of your situation.

  5. Hattie

    Really! That amazes me. Obviously I don’t understand.

    • Z

      There is no mystery. They were having a rough time emotionally and were terrified.

    • Z

      Parents in great emotional pain and having more on their hands than they could handle. Suffering, worrying, shouting, really in pain. Doing what I can to make them feel better has always been my responsibility.

      This is not an unusual situation, I don’t think. It got easier when school started, when I was four, because that meant a few hours off each day! I am sure my parents felt the same: my mother had wanted children but found that in reality she could not handle them, and my father always told us he had not wanted children because of the responsibility — although he was now stepping up to the plate, fortunately. And they were not happy where they were living, or happy together, and my father hated his job but kept it so he could support us (whom he had not wanted).

      So you can see how much pain they were in and how responsible I felt. My mother also suffered from mental illness and had various problems because of this, and my father drank and was fairly abusive verbally. All of this because both were in such pain and so afraid of so many things.

      So again, that is why I felt burdened and responsible. I do not understand why it is hard to believe that these sorts of things happened — it is not that unusual.

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