Cold vista

La méditation de la semaine: trauma. You must not teach, you should not be research oriented; your choice of research field indicates that you are not qualified to be in any research field; you are unemployable and I am qualified to say that; you must do this project and only this project, our way and not yours; if you do not commit to this now you never will commit to anything, I know that is how you are; you are lazy; you do not know what you are doing; you must have worked too hard if you accomplished that; this should be too hard for you; any problem you have is nothing but a discipline or organization problem. In other words: you should not do this and are not qualified to do it, but if you do, you must do it as ordered and not as your professional training would indicate. If this conflict, or these conflicts are difficult wrangle with, handle them with discipline and time management, those are the only things you could be missing, and they are all you need.

Realizing now that that actually was traumatic: the combination of being told I was not someone who should be able to do a project like that, and that I must do it and do it in a certain way, and that any problem I might have would be a problem of inefficiency and poor discipline. It was like having, or was having everything taken away at once, without being allowed to see the situation as such or call it that. Realizing it now, seeing the devastation now, seeing that it was devastation, is a shock all on its own: a cold vista.

Had I had a savings account I would have simply left and that really was the only thing to do: the devastation was too great. I need one even now; I think everyone should get one, start it early shave money into it from financial aid checks, even. In the past we were not supposed to have one, as it was not genteel. Only materialistic people wanted money; romantic and intellectual people, and virtuous people, were one step from the street even though the bohemian life was scary. So we did not have savings accounts but that was always the problem, not having one meant having nothing to move on.

I woke up this morning in sunshine thinking of the period in which I felt safe and free and it was partly because the times were less apocalyptic than now and more creative, but more than that I realize it was that I had a savings account that was mine alone. I think everyone should start building one, even if it is not genteel or if it will hurt others if they find out you have something of your own.




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