La méditation de cette semaine

This is my meditation for the week and I will remain true to it even though it appears that my dear, rat-tat-tat little computer is not very badly harmed. (Only two keys are still stuck, and it flickered upon rebooting but then came up just fine.)

My meditation will be about self-sabotage. I have spilled drops of tea on four keys of the good laptop, impeding their functionality. I hope this is means they need to dry deeply, or something simple — not that this is the end of the motherboard. It did not short out, and I got what data that was not backed up, off, and it is downloading updates now. Getting the data off meant having to organize some files, and this was a good thing, but regardez l’heure qu’il est, mon Dieu.

I have decided it is not an accident but a wake-up call. My ceramics teacher — two of them, actually — say I am destructive toward my work (the less perceptives ones say I am Zen, I am accepting of the fact that not every piece comes out right, but these older ladies are right). “You are not a beginner any more, Z, you must begin to take what you are doing seriously.” And this is not the first time I have done something to this, my good laptop.

And I do not procrastinate on work per se, but I procrastinate on that. And this, precisely, is how I get bogged down. One of the files I found and organized was a downloaded .pdf on procrastination from a Spanish psychology journal. It was a sophisticated study whose thesis was that procrastination was not about poor time management but about several complex forms of self-hatred.

Remember the disease I caught from Reeducation? That friend who said why are you depressed, you have so much to be happy about. And I said I know, and I am not depressed because of not having things to be happy about, I am depressed because I have caught self-hatred.

That is the meditation, and nobody gets to say I am “being too hard on myself” by saying this computer event is more than a random error. Do you remember, I am giving myself attention and centredness this Christmas? I was not joking when I said that and I think taking care about this kind of thing matters.

That computer is flickering and I think there is something happening to the motherboard. And yet not … it is starting. Weakly. We will see, but I am no longer willing to put up with this kind of event.





Filed under Banes, Da Whiteman

7 responses to “La méditation de cette semaine

  1. Z

    Notes for a followup post. The projects I am afraid of. I am afraid because I think that to work on them I have to enter a torture cell. I don’t want to enter because I already feel myself beginning to cower, like the torture victims and also the people with the ego problems in that Spanish article. I have these ego problems.

    E.M. once told me he had written his books imagining me as the audience. I have started writing this paper imagining that it was someone else’s and I was helping them. So I could stay in my strong identity, stand at their shoulder and help, but not enter the “cell” myself. I should begin to remind myself that that torture cell is not real, that I do not have to construct the self that works on this project as that torture victim.

    These things are very important and they are an illumination.

  2. Wish you could just travel and cook and make ceramics. (-:

    I wonder why I ever bothered to do anything else but what I do now. I didn’t even have to work for a living but felt I had to do my duty to society or something, Honestly, how could I have been so mistaken about myself?

    I don’t think of my blog as work, but the dailiness of it has a good cumulative effect. I can still think, and a lot of my peers can’t, especially if they took a lot of drugs when they were young.

    I know yours is a different situation, of course, and I don’t downplay that at all in my mind, knowing as I do a few things about struggle in the academic world, even if only through observation and not being directly under fire.

    • Z

      Gosh — I would be so disappointed to only be able to do those things, though! Especially the cooking — ugh — .

      I would be SO disappointed if that were all the future held.

      I don’t mean to criticize others’ choices. It is just that I don’t see myself at all in that list. It would mean giving up even thinking about the things I actually want to do, and I would be so very sad then!

      It is not the life of the mind or the academic life that dogs me, it’s my abusive background.

  3. Hattie

    I don’t take a back seat to you on the abuse part. It’s just my belief that you are an artist. It seems that people are telling you this, if you’ll excuse my presumption in saying so, but you are shutting them out.

    I was very badly abused and neglected as a matter of fact and my ability to thrive and survive comes as if from nowhere. I even think it’s a species driven survival instinct.

    Have you watched the HBO series In Treatment? None of the patients really resemble me,or you,I suspect, but as portrayal of what analysis should do it’s remarkable.

    A good analyst can save people years of pain. The problem is to find someone intelligent and wise enough to do the necessary work,and such people are rare.

    I hope you don’t think I’m belittling your academic achievement and. scholarly work, not my intention at all. If that is the vibe you picked up, I am sorry.

    • Z

      Artist, I won’t deny it, or shutting them out, I won’t deny that either — I think actually that I am shutting out more than that. Being a *serious* artist and also intellectual.

      In Treatment: I have seen but do not have HBO to see regularly. Should find a way to see it. I have a decent psychologist but have to work overtime: I would love to have one of the more truly psychoanalytic ones.

      Belittling, no, I don’t: I just don’t want to give it up. I would have at one time but for another learned profession. I did not do that so I want to keep this. Want more of it. A post is upcoming about this, I will write it.


  4. Hattie

    If you have Amazon Prime you can download In Treatment for free. I watch it on my Kindle Fire.

    • Z

      Yes… it is just that I have so many things I should watch, and I don’t want to buy one more thing — and I don’t think I need to be convinced that a good analyst would be good.

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