Can this fucking Vallejo paper be my paper?

Yes it can, but I have to own it and myself and not consider that it is something I owe. I can almost feel the existence of the person who could do this. It all has to do with not writing in my own voice, and writing with the feeling someone is standing over my shoulder. That is why I feel, albeit erroneously, as though doing this means walking into a torture chamber. I look at my text and cower because the horrible beatings are about to start.

People will be screaming at me about what I should say or how I should have been a musician or an artist. I have hurt them so, I have cost them money, I will not use Larrea’s editions, I am not a fan of his work, I am a coldhearted intellectual. “You bitch.”

“Research is procrastination, manage your time and write. Just finish, write anything, it will not be any good anyway, and everything is meaningless anyway, just say anything and keep your place in this racket, which is all you can do anyway, and you do not even deserve that, but you certainly cannot do more.”

What other, kinder things were said to me later? “People are lucky even to know someone like you.” “Put yourself first.” “Do something for yourself each day.” But if I had a self I could even find reliably as opposed to the shell of a self who undertakes various daily obligations, to do something for myself would be, first and foremost, to place myself in an environment where I can actually do the things asked of me, one that is less heartbreaking and draining, less sad.

If I could find my person. The one I did my best to hide so long ago so that she would not be harmed by all the destruction. If I could find my person.

Axé.

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1 Comment

Filed under Banes

One response to “Can this fucking Vallejo paper be my paper?

  1. Z

    I have to write in my voice and give myself enough time to do research. This is what was NOT allowed from the point of dissertation on, and I was only comfortable continuing on in Portuguese or in the 19th century novel because nobody I new was working on those things and could tell me I was doing them wrong. I am terrified to be back in Spanish and in the 20th century because I feel SHAME over having been abused there, fear a repeat of the abuse and additional SHAME, and also SHAME about not being able to handle it.

    In my own voice I would just say this is taking some time. I would, importantly, refuse to take that cowering position while working on this. The reason I cannot stand to work on this is that I do not want to cower, or remember the things that used to happen to me when I had to cower.

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