Solstice. And this year for Christmas, remember, I will meditate and center upon myself. I will not allow people to run over me, no matter how much they need to run over someone. I will place myself first, no matter how “selfish” this is. I will honor myself.
If I had been allowing myself to sleep and take longer walks, for example, I would feel stronger now. I will do these things and not be so unkind. Every error I make has to do with looking at problems as issues of discipline, to be resolved by following rules. (That, of course, is why I so dislike academic advice.)
One follows rules because one does, but also so as not to cause people pain by doing as one sees fit and be screamed at for it. So as not to become guilty. So as not to then feel ashamed of how one has been treated. I will find my person by treating well this shell she is to inhabit, her former home. And I will make it safe for her to be there.
If I imagine I am writing this paper for another person then I move straight into professional mode. If I imagine I am writing it for myself then I feel like a prisoner between torture sessions, soon to go into a new one.
I am so tired of the torture.