I want to buy an external hard disk for all my files, from all the devices, all the jump drives, as an archive: the one Ring to rule them all, as it were. I was going to have that all in the Cloud but this is too unstable.
I want to say, as I have said before, that you have to allow yourself patience and time to think. I was always rushed along and I try to rush myself and it really is pointless.
So all this self torment on my part, I am not sure what it is except that most fundamentally I have learned to have an abusive relationship with myself and do not entirely know how to stop. Another theory is that I am simultaneously trying to repress and express pain, that is to say, express it (rather than deny it), but repress awareness of its source, displace my own view of its cause. Discipline (“I won’t do this any more, it is impractical” seems not to help). Discipline seems to look outward whereas care seems to be what I want, and to deserve that, it seems, I must make myself quite sick. It really is a cycle of violence and it looks like domestic abuse with the same person as abuser and victim.
One thing I do not recognize enough is how heartbreaking the situation of the students and the classes is. I think I should take it in stride but it is heartbreaking, and upon consideration I think it is useful to recognize this. And now we are going to close the second campus in our system and dismiss tenured faculty, and there will be no public four year institution left in New Orleans then. And the governor has managed to liquidate the state, and there is so much that is sad. I keep a good humor as people say you should but the fact is that when I do not recognize how sad these things are or how draining, I then do not understand why I cannot think.
Then I am sad if I study the avant-garde because I think of all the things I went through doing this and all the things I tried to force myself to do doing this and all the things I wanted and loved and renounced to force myself to do this. But that has nothing to do with the material, of course, which I like. Yet still I find I do not work well on this topic, I am always trying to work the way the academic advisers want one to work, which is wrong; I also do not allow myself to be a full person while working on this but am rather a dog in a cage perhaps, trying to do it without the means to do it and feeling very sad and ashamed, rather than being a person with a desk as I am when I work on other things. I wonder whether all of this is not about wanting another profession but about wanting to work on projects of my own choice.
If I were a full person, I would say that the difficulties with this paper were problems, intellectual and practical, that come with this territory, and that it is my role to decide what I want to do about them. But I have great difficulty because I do not accord myself these powers, but only the very limited ones of the dog in that cage. “Bitch. You think you are so smart. Bitch. You are wasting money.”
So that is that and I am so tired of it, but I do not know how to control this entirely. I do not understand myself. I keep saying all of this is because I either do not know how to work or I refuse to work but it seems to be much more a direct result of precisely that kind of berating.
In any case, that reajuste: proceso global de reajuste ideológico-cultural is the term, and it appears on page 234. I have this article in PDF but it is much more interesting to read as a bound journal. The vanguardia is international, says Osorio; it starts with the first world war, which destabilized the hegemony of Europe in international affairs and of the bourgeoisie in the maintenance of stability in (countries). It is capitalist internationalization of economic life, and more. And art in this period questions the old values and structures. This is the “reajuste.” Avant-garde art is just one of the signs of overhaul and renovation.
There is great social transformation from this moment through the 1920s and it ends about 1930 with the Depression and the consolidation of a political alliance among the economic interests of imperialism, the local bourgeoisies and the oligarchies, which, defending the system affected by the crash of 1929, take recourse in military coups and repression to consolidate their power. There is a second half of the article that talks about the second etapa vanguardista, and it has things to say about newness and Americanness that I want to look at again.