So today I was in Maringouin because I had a dentist’s appointment, although I wanted to be elsewhere. Duty to the appointment, duty. I was tired from driving and slept too long, almost to the time of the appointment, such that I went there without having had coffee and without having done some important errands for other people that were important to finish early.
At the dentist’s office, they wanted to watch tv while working on me and I am afraid of the new machine they have. I did not want to have tv blaring while the machine also blared, and the dental assistant stuck a pin in my gum. I was also angry because they had waked me up the day before calling me on my cell phone to remind me to come, when I knew full well I was to come.
I leapt up saying I could not stay there, upset and disappointed because I was creating a scene and exhausting myself and also because it meant I would have to return again. Since then I have had a headache and have not really been able to do anything. I discern that I suffer from the following:
1/ having been shamed for having views and desires of any kind; being convinced it is inappropriate to have these;
2/ feeling it is futile and perhaps dangerous, at least in this venue to develop views and desires of my own; wanting to get away because in this venue, in particular, one is precisely to develop one’s views, but may killed if one actually does so;
3/ believing strongly that if one is to be killed for developing one’s views, it should be in service to humanity and not over some obscure question of academic decorum;
4/ wanting to get to a place where one can actually develop one’s views;
5/ not really caring what field one is in, so long as one is allowed to develop in it;
6/ feeling guilty because of having been accused of “betrayal” due to willingness to change fields for the sake of gaining freedom.
Now, furthermore, I have received over 50 e-mails from different organizations asking me for year-end gifts.
I should not exist because I want to do more than give and serve, I keep thinking. Or is it: all I want to do is give and serve, yet I am asked to exist? No, I do not think so; the problem is that when I really existed it was considered very hurtful to others, so I try not to.
But when I want things and know it — like not to have a dentist appointment on an inconvenient day, or not to deal with practical things for others first, or not to have tv on while I am having my teeth cleaned — I suffer from this unbearable rage and fear that I experience as extreme anxiety and self-hatred.