What I appear to be trying to get over

So today I was in Maringouin because I had a dentist’s appointment, although I wanted to be elsewhere. Duty to the appointment, duty. I was tired from driving and slept too long, almost to the time of the appointment, such that I went there without having had coffee and without having done some important errands for other people that were important to finish early.

At the dentist’s office, they wanted to watch tv while working on me and I am afraid of the new machine they have. I did not want to have tv blaring while the machine also blared, and the dental assistant stuck a pin in my gum. I was also angry because they had waked me up the day before calling me on my cell phone to remind me to come, when I knew full well I was to come.

I leapt up saying I could not stay there, upset and disappointed because I was creating a scene and exhausting myself and also because it meant I would have to return again. Since then I have had a headache and have not really been able to do anything. I discern that I suffer from the following:

1/ having been shamed for having views and desires of any kind; being convinced it is inappropriate to have these;

2/ feeling it is futile and perhaps dangerous, at least in this venue to develop views and desires of my own; wanting to get away because in this venue, in particular, one is precisely to develop one’s views, but may killed if one actually does so;

3/ believing strongly that if one is to be killed for developing one’s views, it should be in service to humanity and not over some obscure question of academic decorum;

4/ wanting to get to a place where one can actually develop one’s views;

5/ not really caring what field one is in, so long as one is allowed to develop in it;

6/ feeling guilty because of having been accused of “betrayal” due to willingness to change fields for the sake of gaining freedom.

Now, furthermore, I have received over 50 e-mails from different organizations asking me for year-end gifts.

I should not exist because I want to do more than give and serve, I keep thinking. Or is it: all I want to do is give and serve, yet I am asked to exist? No, I do not think so; the problem is that when I really existed it was considered very hurtful to others, so I try not to.

But when I want things and know it — like not to have a dentist appointment on an inconvenient day, or not to deal with practical things for others first, or not to have tv on while I am having my teeth cleaned — I suffer from this unbearable rage and fear that I experience as extreme anxiety and self-hatred.




Filed under Banes

3 responses to “What I appear to be trying to get over

  1. Where is the reciprocity? Does anyone do things for you, or are you always the one who has to do things for others?

    BTW: If you were getting the standard anesthetic for dental work, they put epinephrine in it, which in me produces extreme anxiety. Could be this is happening to you, too. Your dentist can give you a numbing shot that does not have epinephrine. Also, if your comfort is not of any particular moment to your dentist, you must find another one to go to. That’s too much stress.

    • Z

      Reciprocity, not enough. I am the one who sacrifices because I have more skills and am the one who wants and can to a certain extent get greater things. So I am the one who has to repress the most.

      Good point on anaesthetic. This wasn’t an appointment with an anaesthetic — I just do not like their water cleaner, because it reminds me of the drill they used on us as children without anaesthetics, and I do not like the television, and I do not like the type of small talk the new assistants have, and the combination is just too invasive. I have to be able to concentrate on tolerating the machine, and that means I have to go in in a VERY strong and relaxed state. Before the machine came in, I used to just rush in nonchalantly to have my teeth cleaned, and this can no longer be the mode I go there in because I flash back to childhood torture scenes and feelings of complete powerlessness.

    • Z

      Or, on reciprocity, nothing, because in a way “I” do not exist as such. I gave my whole life to my parents in atonement for having had the interests I had and for having accepted my aunt’s offer to pay for college. I got convinced by my mother that I would be better off not getting disowned, which would happen if I tried the things I wanted to try, and that I would fail at. I was going to end up dying on the street and to forestall that had to give them my life, which I have done. And I chafe at it, yes, but it is what I have done. I am trying to wrest a bit of a life of my own from these ruins.

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