It is the drudgery of all these websites and all these very detailed exercises and assignments for all of these language courses. I wish I were one of those who wept because I just so could.

I have specific things I am interested and want to do and every step further into the so-called profession takes me further from them and always has. Why was I so berated for wanting to leave this pain behind, and for being able to imagine other ways of living?

Also, is it so difficult to understand the vise? One knows whom one is required to be ultimately, but must work daily to move away from that and undermine that … and also to examine oneself, say how one could do better and be better and also more obedient at every turn.

And while all of this is going on, the professors excoriate: but you did a Ph.D., so this is what you must do; you should be grateful; and at the same time they shudder at it and say en off that they never would.

Tengo miedo y me duele todo. I always thought that if one were finally obedient enough and sorry enough and could show one had really suffered (without entirely losing one’s looks, of course), one would have finally be forgiven and not have to go through so much pain any more.

I am afraid this was not true and that it might never end. I might have to have a revolution, by which I do not mean quit, of course. I mean allow less destruction. Ultimately it comes down to being afraid that the slightest misstep means instant annihilation, as we know.



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Filed under Banes, What Is A Scholar?

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