Pour penser

I would not frame the discussion in terms of success and failure, instructions for success, but I think this post gets closer to a useful discussion of how to do an academic job than do most in the genre. The activities it discusses are, of course, the ones that interest me and also interested me in taking this direction.

In my case the question is complicated, of course, since I was not raised to think I would ever be able to do anything. And my father was a professor and said he was unhappy. He thought going into academia was a poor idea, and did not think I could survive in it. I, of course, did not think I could do anything at all, yet knew I could do academic work and was very interested in it. I was careful each year of graduate school to make sure the main reason I was continuing was that I was interested, not that I was trapped; and to make sure I was working to lessen the factors that had made graduate school my only option when I was twenty.

I always felt I should quit to please my father, and I always felt one could not commit fully, since one would probably not be let in. And I haven’t always had the best of luck, or made the best informed choices, but these things, no matter how serious (and they are serious), are secondary. The primary issue is the early and constant message: you must renounce now what you love because it will never love you.

My father loved this song. It seemed to express much of what he felt and to comfort him, but it terrified me. I already knew my parents were afraid of ending up on the streets themselves, and ambivalent about us. Would they put us on the streets if they could? Would we ever be able to hold onto anything we loved?

And these things are all true and must be acknowledged but at the same time, I am so tired of them. I would like to work as I did in graduate school, days of innocence, when the work itself was healing balm.

Axé.

2 Comments

Filed under Da Whiteman, What Is A Scholar?

2 responses to “Pour penser

  1. For me, working as healing was all the way back in the BA and the MA program. It’s when I went into the PhD that the idea of academic work as drudgery and a fearful existence was introduced.

    • Z

      Oh yes, for me too the healing was in the B.A. and the M.A. as well. The drudgery idea appears to have come in for some at the dissertation level, although I missed a lot of that training because I was gone from the killing field of the training ground. But it is, I think part of “professionalization” and should be removed from it (if it is not intrinsic to it — and I think there is research and theory on that question).

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