This has to do with my having traumatized myself by ignoring what was really going on and trying to say my problem was “time management.”
The thing is that I do not want to be efficient. I don’t want to sit down with one eye on the clock and try to rush. I don’t want to start by planning priorities. I am so naturally organized that forcing yet more structure is stifling, and so naturally efficient that slowing from run to walk is what’s good for me.
I want to just sit down and immerse myself in work and not think about the outside, the end. I want to let my mind relax. If I have to constantly second-guess, is this the most important thing I can be doing right now? is this strategic? can I do it in 25 minutes? I cannot concentrate. Not just following my own lead causes me to go around in circles.
Does anyone else feel this way?
Really my problem is being so unkind to myself, and not allowing myself any authority. My other problem is all this unresolved trauma in academia. How would I resolve it?
I try to resolve it by understanding it and I can analyze anything, but I think the actual answer is to be kind to myself about it. I will try to remember this.