Category Archives: Banes

Des signes

About this post, from over two weeks ago: it is difficult for me to recognize mistreatment. But my reaction to is a kind of hallucination: I jump to thinking that if I can only calm my mother down and placate her, the pain will stop and I will be released from my cage.

This indicates that if I have that reaction, someone has acted in a very low fashion and wants to me to think it is my fault — and I should try to see what has happened rather than think I am just flashing back randomly.

Axé.

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Mantra

It would be, do not allow the way the university treats you to affect your own professional identity. Do not let them undermine your stability or sense of self-worth. This, however, is easier said than done … how does it not mean “rise above it, dear?”

I have always admired the skill of some people, who know they are being mistreated and remain proud, rather than wonder if it is something they have done or that they deserve or that the are overreacting to — or not notice it is mistreatment, since it is the only treatment they know.

But I have always admired the skill of some people.

Axé.

Axé.

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Des théories

Continuing, I miss Puerto Rico and Louisville and everywhere, but mostly Puerto Rico and the things I did not get to do there (which would have involved piercing that touristy surface). I guess we can say this summer is exciting and eventful so far but I need it to be restorative.

I went to campus to try to resolve these funding issues and ran into a colleague who said he had funding issues as well and was angry. I thought yes, I am angry, and this is the prohibited emotion since one is only allowed to be angry at oneself.

Depression and anxiety are repressed anger; self-destruction is anger turned upon oneself. These are clichés, but does that matter?

Axé.

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Je suis arrivée / Sobre la tristeza

I woke up this morning at home. I woke up this morning with my mind stayed on freedom. I woke up telling myself that just because I was home did not mean I had to suffer. I woke up saying just because I was now so close to my university and so far from the things I love and need, I still did not have to be complicit in my own oppression. I woke up promising myself to treat myself well.

I had been, first, at LASA in Puerto Rico, an expensive conference where logistics were so poor that it was hard to get to see panels. I got some things out of it but not really enough. Puerto Rico was interesting but hard to be in since it is so expensive. It was also sad because it is a colony. I had never been to an outright colony before, and I now appreciate writers like Maryse Condé in a way I never did.

Next I went to the AP reading in Louisville, which was interesting but again an experience which took energy. This is not the easiest town to get to know, and although ETS provides food, the food was of poor enough quality that we were all ill at ease when not ill outright. We spent money we had not planned on spending, to buy cleaner and more nutritious food. We thus underwent more stress, and profited less than we had expected to do.

These voyages, then, were tiring and a little less pleasant and useful than I had counted on their being, but they were distracting and interesting, and I was away from home. Now here, the university informs me that it will not, after all, reimburse me for the Puerto Rico conference. So I feel it is not true, I may keep my mind stayed on freedom but I am NOT the master of my fate. I am not one of those who cries but I have been having trouble not, so I have not yet been into the university to fight this situation in person, and I am not in good enough shape to call my aged father today.

*

I feel I am sinking. I took this job because I had nowhere else to go without help and because it was what my mother wanted. I hurt my mother so much in life just by being who I was. I always tried to do the things she wanted if I could, so as to mitigate the pain I was causing to the extent that might be possible. But I did think I would be able to make the best of it, and get away again. I promised myself I would be in a position to leave as soon as my mother died (I would not take any risks sooner, so as not to upset her further).

But it is late, and I am not in a position to leave, and if I am not reimbursed for this conference my debt burden will increase such that it will become even harder to leave … and even more fundamentally, being treated this way by the university really gets me down.

Estoy tan triste. And I do note that I keep saying “I am so sorry, Mom, I am so sorry, please do not hurt me.” I keep saying this as if to save my life. That is why I cannot leave the house; it would not be appropriate to say it in public. And I note that every time I think this, I am taking a wrong road. I should never have allowed my mother so much power, and I should not allow it to her now.

Nor should I make her so responsible. This last point is not for her sake but for mine: when I think this, I sabotage the power I do have. And the university’s decision is based on a clerical error someone made, and I may be able to have it reversed. If not it only means taking on an additional thousand dollars in debt and there are worse things. I have never filed for bankruptcy, so this is still an option in a worst case scenario (as in, if there are additional disasters).

Axé.

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Not-writing is like a bath running

Not-writing is like a bath running.

In other words: I am not entirely happy about certain offers to come here and give workshops, because the Herculean amount of planning and organization it would take to fund and publicize these events would impede my own research and writing. I must find a way to keep this situation under control, as having the workshops would be lovely.

I had said I would no longer put effort toward creating ephemeral events the university would not thank me for creating, when I could put the same effort toward my own work. Yet at the same time, I need to populate this wasteland. How can the workshops be conceived such that they are more than a flash in the pan? That is the question.

Axé.

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“El secreto está en dejarse la vida en ello”

That is the writing advice given by a journalist in this schlocky film. It is very different from the advice about forcing yourself with alarm clocks while holding it all back in a combination of anti-perfectionism (anything is good enough) and decorum (say something that will be confirm the convictions of the editors) that the professors give.

Axé.

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That One Faculty campaign

I understand why the AAUP is promoting this, and there is no other viable position to take, but I have been being exhorted for decades about how I should support newer or contingent faculty and my question is, when are they going to support me — not me personally, but any academic values, and anything but the administration?

Seriously. When I organized TAs and RAs into a union, many who are full professors now would not support due to fear of not getting jobs, they said. Now, contingent faculty and administration are united against research. So on what planet should I have to put them first?

In graduate school I put recreation aside to organize for health insurance for people who were too cautious for ask for it on their own …  why should I now put my research agenda aside so as to organize on behalf of rights for contingent faculty that they do not understand or want?

My contingent faculty, by the way, are people without the terminal degree, but with full time employment and benefits. And offices with phones and computers in them, and business cards where they can call themselves “Professor” if they want to.

Axé.

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