It is possible to live better yet, particularly if I would not stay up so late. Mornings are always better after one gets up, but in other places I also like waking up in itself.
Not feeling able to face the day is a sign of depression, it is said, although I would hazard instead that it is opression. In Reeducation we were not to maintain control over our lives, not to remain in an adult state of mind. We had also renounced the power to make the day good. We had learned that we did not deserve our lives, and that we owed penance.
I only realized just a few months ago that I had, or had regained the power to renounce penance, and I still tend to forget that I have the power to make the day good. (This was something I learned the first fall I was in graduate school, actually, the most interesting thing I learned that term.)
The character in my novel is in a marriage he dislikes and yet does not wish to change or leave, and I would not like to resemble him. In Reeducation a tortured relationship with the self was presented as health.
My original question for Reeducation was: how to manage, and escape from, people committed to sadomasochistic object relations? I finally have some material on this:
Sadomasochistic object relations have been defined as a way of loving and hating others and oneself and are especially concerned with intense ways of engaging another so as to mitigate dangers of separateness, loss, loneliness, hurt, destruction and guilt. Sadomasochistic object relations can be viewed as a complex defensive system against destruction and loss, where relationships are continually pushed to the brink with the reassurance that the relationship (or the fantasized parent-child relationship) will never end.
A psychoanalytic exploration of the more ubiquitous perversions of everyday life in which the individual, rather than using a fetish or fantasy as a prosthesis to replace a missing part of his ego, uses instead a mode of relating that one of my patients called a “technical” relationship, one that falls under the more general heading of sadomasochistic object relations…. [T]hey arise as a defense against and an attempt to repair some traumatic loss that has not been adequately mourned. In this view, sadomasochistic [object] relations are seen as a kind of denied or pathological mourning, a repetitive attempt to disclaim the loss or to repair it in fantasy, but an attempt that does not lead to resolution because in some dissociated part of the psyche that loss remains disavowed.
This type of person has a piece of their ego missing, and they are trying to arrebatar a substitute from you, or convert you into the substitute.
Everyone is taking tests that are parlor games on Facebook and I took one of them, for career. It said I should be an astronaut, because I was fundamentally an explorer; researcher was the next possibility and teacher, the third.
In real life I took a more serious career assessment and it said I should be a neuropsychologist, a psychiatrist, a clinical psychologist, an economist, or a sociologist. Professor of literature was on a second-tier list.
I took a fairly serious depression test and a related anxiety test and I do not have a trace of these. That means I have cured myself from that PTSD I finally decided to say I had. And it has been so long since I felt dissociative, I can barely remember what that is like. This means I can start doing more of the work things (like apply for promotion) I generally consider myself too depressed to face.
Most interestingly, I am in the 12th percentile for neuroticism, meaning that 88% of people are more neurotic than me. This, I think, is why people do not understand me, such that I am obliged to run my own psychoanalysis right here on line.
I need an abstract for another paper, that I do not have time to do the research for. I might give, in Spanish, an old and somewhat ignored paper I published in English, that is a good article. I could spice it up with some things a student said, and cite her. And as I write it, I can do some research, become more current on Vallejo.
I feel that when used to write on him, we were just beginning to escape misguided biographical criticism that masqueraded as historicism or philology. I turned away from the field at that point but some things have been accomplished.