There are hardly any blogs anymore. I read an old post by the great Twisty therefore, and realized once again how much it all comes down to patriarchy. Twisty refers to “her spiritual death at college.” “It took me about 30 years to grow [my mojo] back,” she says.
I didn’t have her experience then but I remember my shock to discover how mistreated one would be upon becoming a professor, or upon moving away from a modern region. Also before going away to college, being raised as a girl. I never realized what hit me, and I am still trying to see it.
I am a person and my ideas are valid. It took so long to learn that, and it was so easy to unlearn. I am trying to act on it now. Lack of investment in self, or struggle with self, come up any time I am not engaged in heroic effort on behalf of some other person, or some collective.
Yet I will invest, as it is investment in self that stops the bothersome struggle with self (I see this now). I have also just realized why I should apply for a certain professorship.
Filed under Banes, Working
It is not what they do to you, it is what they can get you to do to yourself, is an important point for those of us who are dealing with misogyny or any kind of discrimination, really.
Another thing to remember is that although we are constantly told that most people can never admit they are in the wrong and that the sign of moral progress is to do so, even when you are in fact the wronged party, people lose respect for you when you apologize and you should consider not doing it. Do they? When they have in fact committed major crimes? They do not.
What I would like, though, for 2018 is to have more authority over the students, and therefore be in a position to be kinder to them or at least feel less wounded by them. In the old world, this authority existed in the structure of programs but now it does not. You have to be very, very solid in the bubble that is your courses, your world, and leave things at that.
I am on it.
That I was not just a person with a question, but an unredeemably flawed person due to the sins of my ancestors. The worst of it, and the proof of it, was that I could not see my own inferiority. The only cure was to self-flagellate in some manner, and I certainly did not deserve any kind of consideration or help; I could not hope anyone would ever talk to me.
I had learned these things as a child, of course, but as I grew I stopped hearing them and I had not expected to have to hear them again. But then I heard them, and I hear them waking up most mornings still. (And I should not have the intellectual inclination, because it hurts people.)
This is an important article and should be read. “You would be hard-pressed to find a mental-health professional, a productivity expert, or a writing coach who would suggest that — rather than recognizing people’s talent and rewarding their hard work — the way to get good results out of people is by making them feel inadequate or confused,” is one of its key sentences.
My current weapon against anxiety is to give myself time, not try to rush. I am amazed how easy it is to start work when I know that starting does not have to mean rushing. This, for me, is the true procrastination-buster.
The other general weapon is to keep saying my work is good enough and that I am not crazy. The linked article talks about the impact of gas-lighting, and the importance of not deciding, in that situation, that the problem actually is you.
Holding onto these weapons, keeping them at hand and within view, is a constant struggle.
Amazing corruption and duplicity, and nobody is willing to fight. I am going in alone, and I shall not be moved. Listen to the amazing voice of Mavis Staples, as she was and will be.
Yea, verily I say unto thee that it is a bad omen when you do not wake up in the morning thinking about research and teaching, but about how to withstand and/or avoid bullying and harassment.
Filed under Banes, Working